I watch’d a movie last night...Scratch that.
I watch’d a film last night...Still not right.
I watch’d a motion picture masterpiece last night with me lassie, and we had an amazin’ time.

It’s been a while since I’ve done a Pirate Review, so hold on ta y’er butts, me ‘earties (but be careful if ye have hooks fer hands, we all know how that turns out).

What Happens in the Mountains – Should Stay in the Mountains

By now ye all know I have a certain proclivity to a parrrticular type of, let’s say...eclectic movie, and if ye share this burning passion for bad cinema, I know you’ll love this 42 minute masterpiece about Buck Swinger saving Tennessee from an invasion of Bigfeet.

“Hell, I put 5 rounds in one of them sasquotch sumbitches just the other day! He’s probably still pullin’ 7.62s outta his ass right now!”

Buck Swinger is the bravest Squatch hunter in all dem parts, and lives for fightin’ off the Bigfoot scourge. But trust me, matey, he isn’t afraid:

“Scared? I been married 8 times! Most of which to my cousins! And we had kids! That takes balls!”

Unfortunately it turns out most of his kids are either dead or in jail. I won’t spoil what happens with the rest, that’s fer ye to find out y’erself.

I think I see a bigfoot right over there!

In “What Happens in the Mountains – Should Stay in the Mountains”, Buck Swinger fights many, many Bigfeet. He’s been battlin’ them fer years, protectin’ the two citizens of Walker county Tennessee. Havin’ broken bones, ruptured spleens, and even losing a testicle, nothin’ can stop Buck and his hatred of the sasquatch.

It’s only when a fancypants New York reporter comes to document Buck’s huntin’ trips that we finally see the pure bravado and machismo this manliest man of a man displays. Such bravery. Such chutzpah. Not so much on the marksmanship, though.

See that Squatch!?

Now at this point I know y’er probably thinkin’ ta y’erself “Wait, Rev, this sounds like a porno”. Aye matey, I thought the same thing until the film ended and it was, in fact, not a porno. If y’er lookin’ fer bigfoot porn, there be other places ye can find it. This here be a wholesome film.

What I love about this cinematic juggernaut is that, bein’ only 42 minutes long, no time is wasted. Nothin’ but pure action in every scene. If ye thought Mad Max Fury Road had a ton of action, ye ain’t seen nothin’ yet. Interspliced with long shots of beautiful vistas, birds flying, and bigfoot facts over the scenery, this film keeps y’er adrenaline pumpin’ throughout the entire experience.

After watching this movie twice in a row, I just had to know more, and did research. I find it fascinating that this movie has no IMDB entry. This movie has no website. Stacey Alexander who wrote, produced, and starred in WHITMSSITM also did all the music for the movie with his band “The Fuzz Stompers”. As far as I can find they don’t have a website either. Ye can find everything on Amazon however. Unfortunately there’s no images anywhere on the net so it’s hard to find images to pad this review. I’ll just put a bunch of non-attribution required bigfoot images from Pixabay instead. Edit: there be no bigfoot pictures that arrren’t webp files which won’t show up, so have a picture of a mountain instead:

There's definitely a bigfoot in this picture!"

This Pirate critic gives “What Happens in the Mountains – Should Stay in the Mountains” a resounding pirate ARRR!!!! out of 10.

By the way, there’s a new Boss Quest goin’ on in Pirate World (hive-197918) goin’ on at this very moment! Whether y’er a current player or new, jump right in and help save Deadman’s Bay from the British invasion!

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Claim y'er very own ship while ye have time!