Pirate Review: The Ice Pirates

in Pirate World3 years ago

Ahoy, mateys. Reverend Rum, literal pirate and movie swashbuckler, here with a new movie review. Because when we not be raidin’ The High Seas, me crew and meself love ta have movie nights on The Maiden’s Desire.

Have ye ever longed for a cinematic budget combination of Starwars, Water World, and Tank Girl? I know I sure have had a deep longing for exactly this:

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The Ice Pirates will quench y’er frozen thirst. In distant future, space is big, and space ships are boxes. Pirates raid space for ice, and let me tell ye, matey, that be a tough job. There be silly robots, silly weiner-nosed aliens, and lots and lots of cold cold ice fer plunderin’.

And the film is straight from director Stewart Raffill (ye know, the scallaywag who directed “Mac and Me” and “Mannequin Two: On the Move”), so ye know this one’s gonna be a treasure.

Ye see, in the distant future, there be no water after a big war that destroyed the water fer reasons. Reasons...unknown.

Well fer some reason, the plucky Ice Pirates board a space ice box for ice, but then there be an ice princess, and then want to steal the Ice Princess, and hilarity ensues when they don’t steal the Ice Princess and the robots breakdance fight.

Like this wonderful scene from Mac and Me, but with robots!

Laser beams, regular axes, laser axes, battleaxe wielding robots, kung fu robots. There’s not a lot of swashbucklin’ goin’ on fer a pirate movie. I would look past that (with me one good eye) because Ron Perlman’s acting is the real treasure that all pirates seek, and supposedly he be in this film, but I couldn’t get through it far enough to see him.

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Downside: uninspired universe; bad special effects even for its time; the audio producer fell asleep on the mixer and the audio gets very loud; I couldn’t tell what was happening.

Upside: I got over 400 words of vitriol to spew about this trainwreck spaceship wreck of a film; potentially Ron Perlman.

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This is a harrible, harrible movie. It deserves to be Rifftraxed if it hasn’t already, and I hated all 20 minutes I watched of it. I’d definitely watch it if it were Rifftraxed, I can tell ye that, matey.

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Quotes from the audience while we were watchin’ The Ice Pirates:

“It’s awful!” ~ @battleaxe
“MOVIE WHY!?” ~ @reverendrum
“I really like this movie, the dichotomy between the pirates wanting to steal the ice and the silly men protecting it really adds...” ~ Helmsman Loius before he was shot through the knee with me flintlock pistol and keelhauled.

All in all, I give this film an ARR YOU SERIOUS? out of 10.

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Images/Gifs from The Ice Pirates and Mac and Me respectively.


This movie is the best. I used to watch it all the time on cable TV in the middle of the day on Saturday. It's a classic.

Angelica Houston is like "oh no", ha ha we all have our moments
real bad movies and a library of anything that's WuTang or Bruce Lee is basically about all I'll watch besides Documentaries cause am nerd

 3 years ago 

It was on cable!? Haha. Maybe I'll go back and try to get past 20 minutes.

Don't get your hopes up. It was absolutely stupid but I loved it. I honestly couldn't tell you the last time I saw it but the time manipulation bit at the end gets me every time.

When I spent time actually watching this on a video steem (Didn't pay any cash) I thought it be a demonstration video on HOW NOT TO BE A PIRATE!
Still good for a few lame chuckles.

it's so stinkin' bad, I had to stop it and I can watch the whole sharknado series lol

 3 years ago 

They didn't pirate properly.

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