I wish I could say something definitive on the subject, but your thoughts about God are as good as mine. I use the image of a river when I think of God. A river doesn't care about you when you go swimming. It has its own purpose as it carries you along. That doesn't mean you are free to kill others or yourself because that would disrupt its ultimate goal. Part of your journey will be along calm shores, but at other times a person might face rocks in the river with rapids and waterfalls. The river will divide at times, with some people experiencing different stretches.

I had different challenges when I was your age than you do now. The son of a friend is a little younger than you and is in Ukraine right now. I was a surrogate father for him for four years, and a bomb might kill him tomorrow. I cannot say where the river will take us right now. His journey might end, or perhaps he might become a friend with you when this is over.