Habits

Unfortunately, this struggle usually comes from having blinders on to our own social missteps. The good news is bad habits can be broken and new ones can be formed and strengthened. The first step is to cultivate honest self-awareness, and the second step is taking some action to make changes.
If you feel frustrated with not being able to make the platonic version of a love connection, consider if you’re guilty of any of these 10 bad social habits (I’m sure there are many more). They’re easy traps to fall into, especially when they’re conspicuously practiced by others all around us. But if you have a desire for something different in your social life, you can take the steps to course-correct and create a new way of socializing.
1 - Excessively Staring at Screens
Go on any crowded subway and make a game of counting the number of people who are not staring at their screens. For that matter, add in those whose ears are not plugged with headphones or noses not stuck in books. What remains is a small number of people who are not purposefully blocking out the real world. A world filled with other human beings desperate to socially connect. So ironic.
When we’re all lonely on the crowded subway and we never give ourselves a chance to open up, we miss out on social serendipity. Like a casual chat with a stranger that ends up being unexpectedly rewarding. How many times have seatmates on airplanes start talking to exchange pleasantries but then never end the conversation until they’re walking off the plane? From time to time, take the earbuds out, turn the phone off, look around, and smile. And if you’re brave enough, make a friendly comment to a stranger and see what it leads to.

2 - Displaying Disinterested Body Language
This one goes hand in hand with the one above. So rare is the spontaneous smile that when it happens, it’s kind of weird. Like, “What’s up with that guy?” As we go about our days, we display the kind of body language that screams, “Don’t bother me!” From the face with no smile to the slouch while scrolling through our infinite social media feeds, we broadcast that we’re entirely closed off.
I for one am guilty of this. My nonsmiling face makes me look either pissed off or totally apathetic. There’s nothing warm or inviting about it. My mug even turned my husband off when we first met. When he first saw my don't-eff-with-me face, his immediate thought was, “I want nothing to do with that girl!”
The remedy isn’t to be Mr. or Ms. Smiley but to bring some awareness to how you display body language and how it can be giving off a message you don’t intend. Easy remedies that convey a vibe of openness are sitting up straight, making some casual eye contact, and maybe smiling (a little).
3 - Relying on Others to Do the Heavy Social Lifting
Why don’t people call me? Text me? Respond to my post? These are common questions, even if using our internal voice. How demoralizing is it to hear the sound of crickets? But when the responsibility for one’s social engagement is put on others, it becomes an occasion of playing the victim who’s having a pity party.
Do you know the real reasons why you’re not getting responses, or are you just speculating? And what’s your responsibility in proactively staying connected? You can’t expect others to show up all the time if you don’t. Unfortunately, the balance of effort in social dynamics is rarely equal, but it can fluctuate. Put in the honest effort up front, consistently and repeatedly with little expectation of reciprocity, and see how things change over time. Do the work to build up the social karma without complaining.
4 - Not Taking Risks
Your social life, much like the rest of life, works on a system of risk and reward. When nothing is ventured, nothing is gained. Deciding to stay home because you aren’t motivated to be social will feel as good as that ice cream tastes but just for the moment. Not giving it a go will leave you with nothing to work with. Nothing to build upon.
Taking social risks is part of the game, and it often offers much more reward than penalty. What seems potentially catastrophic in your mind, such as getting blatantly rejected, rarely materializes. Decide to take some baby steps to stretch your social muscles. Initiate a conversation with a stranger, invite your co-worker to watch the game, or ask to join the group for yoga class. They’re small gestures that will pay dividends for your social calendar and more importantly your psyche.
5 - Not Being Vulnerable
In the midst of your social exchanges, it’s not enough to just go through the motions. Bantering about on the surface, droning on about the banalities of life, will get you nowhere. How are you? Busy. You? Yeah, super busy! Without injecting any emotions into the conversation, the exchange will forever stay one-dimensional. This is why people walk away from initial social exchanges feeling unsatisfied. There’s no depth.
To take the casual back-and-forth to a deeper level where you simultaneously acknowledge a spark of chemistry, you must be willing to bear your soul a little. Showing your weaknesses or uncertainties or even revealing your failures is necessary because it reminds your conversation partner that you’re human with flaws and struggles much like them and everyone else.
Having life struggles is the reality of everyone’s existence that few have the courage to vocalize. But to share it with sincerity ironically shows more strength than weakness. And such revelations done with tact and in proper timing can be disarming and unexpectedly unifying.