Last month my partner and I went on a lovely trip here in South Africa to a place called Sedgefield. We have been a couple of times before and love it, especially to a place a little further on called Plettenberg Bay, though this time we didn't go so far out, we did take a drive into Knysna which was beautiful. We went to have tea by the harbour and had a look around, we sat by the boats where there was a rather large seal that was sleeping! Sooo cute! But anyway, I will make a separate post about all that! For now, I want to share/try and unscramble my brain about something that happened on the way home in the car.

We both enjoy music (who doesn't?) and we use the spare phone as our "music phone" for the car and for at home. Anyway, we hadn't long hit the road to come home, I'd say we were about 20 minutes into our journey and a song came on, one that I'd heard plenty of times before. However, it really hit me hard and I couldn't keep the lump in my throat down any longer and I began sobbing in a way that I haven't for a while. I was emersed in the song and lyrics that I think it quite literally struck a chord in me. Not every lyric resonated with me but there's a couple that she repeats and it was like I was being reassured or something. My poor partner was so confused, he was trying to pull over but couldn't lol. I can laugh now, and we both did afterwards too.

My partner held my hand as we continued to drive and was asking what was wrong. Once I'd managed to gather myself I replied "I don't know". Madness. After a few seconds he asked if it was the song and I just nodded. I realised then why it affected me in such a powerful way. It was like something inside of me was calling to me, telling me to "let it all out" and "let it all go" and I suppose in that moment I did because I just couldn't stop. The only thing is I don't really know what I was trying to let go of, I know it was relevant to my childhood, and that involved abuse in a number of ways. Perhaps my outburst was my bodies way of exhaling in some way, though to be honest, my past is not something that takes residence in the forefront of my mind so it surprised me that I reacted that way. I guess the things we think we've already worked through never truly go away and it can catch us off guard in an instant.

The song was called "Let It All Go" by Birdy. I don't know if you're familiar with that artist but her voice is absolutely beautiful, so delicate yet so raw. I haven't played the song since then lol, my partner says it's good to release what's going on inside, even if you don't know why, it doesn't make it any less significant. Trauma is something that will leave its mark like a bad smell and I think, (unfortunately) it does leave you with no choice but to grow up fast and you deal with the triggers as and when you come to know what they are, and even then, you won't always know what they are. I certainly wasn't expecting to blub like a baby lol, I was feeling very happy having just had a lovely holiday with my man, the sun was shining, I'd got some bargains in the charity shop (I'll tell you all about that later haha!) anyway, things take us by surprise and I suppose I'm writing about it because it's something that keeps popping up in my life.

With regard to the brilliant quote by Elton John at the top of this post, I think music absolutely has healing power, and in my experience, its healing that I thought I was finished with. However, I guess it's not as simple as that, there are things that will never leave you, you just learn to live and grow with them, so it's not really something you just "get over" and one day suddenly its gone. I've accepted that, it just seems that my brain is still slowly letting me know that it's ok to let it all out and let it all go, as Birdy sings so beautifully.