Time. Our greatest asset, we wouldn't have anything without it. I find myself thinking about this a lot, probably because of recent conversations I've been having mixed with life and its happenings. "One step at a time" is something that rolls off the tongue easily, whether it's a response to someone's circumstance or perhaps an inner talk to yourself. It is just "one of those things" that is said, however, it doesn't stop it from being true. For me, I've certainly applied that to my own life, sometimes it's easier to reasonate with than other times, and I guess that's what has bought me to write this post.

I think this post is just for me to feel better? Lol. Or at least an attempt to understand my own self a little better with regard to something that niggles at me every so often, and I think it's about time I confronted myself about it. So, if you feel like sticking with me and putting the kettle on, I'll have tea, milk, no sugar, please and thanks! Come take a seat ;)

If memory serves me correctly, since the age of about 15/16 years old, I've had a problem with finishing tasks/projects that I start. It's something that actually bothers me, a lot, though I don't always allow myself to dig deep on why that may be as quite frankly, it makes me feel low and I get frustrated with myself. Though perhaps I'm not the only one here who sometimes lacks motivation. It started once I'd finished school and began college. I was studying Psychology and Sociology, both of which I thoroughly enjoyed, Psychology being my favourite. I was doing very well, achieving great results and actually got excited about what may come afterwards.

Around that time was when my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer, they told her if she had left it any longer without seeing the doctor then she would of had about 6 months to live. It was a horrible time. This year will be 13 years that she's been clear of cancer so that is something we're all extremely grateful for. However, recently she had a tumor removed that was on her spine and on Wednesday 7th Feb we find out the results of that, though the surgeons etc are confident it's nothing sinister, so that's positive. It will just be nice when we hear that being confirmed!

Ok, so with that in mind, it's back to the days of college... My best friend of around 17 years at the time (as of last year we no longer talk and the friendship is finished) was also taking the same classes as me and was also doing well. However she had some struggles of her own too, her mum had been struggling with mental health for a long time and had attempted suicide a few times. I think the two of us leaned on each other for support and were cheering each other on in terms of our college course and just life in general. This was absolutely a good thing for us both, we were able to get excited about the future even though in some aspects it felt like our worlds were just crashing down and the future was difficult to imagine.

For some reason, after the first year of college we decided that we would move to a different college, one that was out of town. I think we thought that distance from where we lived would be even better for us. This was (in my opinion) a BIG mistake. We had 1 year left at the college we were initially at, and then we moved to a different college that was a 2 year course, so now we had even more time at college! At the time, we thought it was a great idea because the course was all course work based which meant no exams - that was a big bonus for us both.

We got about a year into the course and I started to suffer with anxiety and depression, perhaps I had always dealt with it on some level, but at that time, it was debilitating and my overall mental health was declining. I had other things going on in my life that were also affecting me enormously. I felt like a failure. I was struggling to focus and complete my work, which then led to me not turning up to classes and hiding out at my then boyfriends house. Some days my then boyfriend would drive me to college and I could never get out the car, I just froze. The college finally got hold of my mum and we were called into a meeting with the course leader. I broke down at the table, I had no answers, I wanted more than anything to succeed and yet there I was, a self sabotaging mess!

It was agreed that I'd go onto a reduced time table which meant that my days spent at college were reduced and instead I'd do the work from home on those days. At first it was ok, but that didn't last and eventually I left altogether and that was the end of college, regrettably. I was also working a part time job at the weekend at our local shop, so once I left college I basically worked there for 2 years full time before I found a permanent job at a nursing home (which is where I still work today) - I think that's the only continuity of this story lol.

To this day, I regret how I handled those situations and the choices that I made - hindsight is a wonderful thing, so they say! I wish that I had just stayed at the first college, it was actually where I went to school so everything was familiar, no commute or anything, I was doing well, until I wasn't. Time is a great teacher.

Fast forward to the present day where I still have the same job at the nursing home, do I enjoy it? Yes. Is it somewhere I want to work for years to come? No. What is it that I want? Well I don't really have the answer for that one, only that I want peace. The immediate answer for now is that I'd like a remote based job, one where I can take my work with me whilst I travel to South Africa to be with my partner, so I don't have to be out of work during that time. These are the kind of daily conversations/debates I have with myself! Anyway, with thoughts of "where to next" in mind, last year I decided to finish off a maths course, it's a two part course, the first part I actually completed and passed years ago, so I wanted to finish the second part in order to potentially start a higher education course. I had to take an online assessment to make sure I was ready for the second part as it'd been a while since I studied, I passed that and hooray, I was able to study for the second half (remotely).

I enjoyed it to begin with, however this didn't last. I struggled big time, maths has never been my strong point, hence why I was still studying it in order to move forward with something else! My partner was very good to me and sat with me to help, explaining methods etc, most of the time I kept up but after a while I decided enough was enough and hey, why change the habit of a lifetime and quit! Well, that's EXACTLY what I want to do!! I need to push past those feelings of self doubt and allow myself to get passionate about what I'm doing and not be fearful of failure, because ultimately, it's the fear itself that failed me in both these scenarios (that and my inability to do math, and probably a hint of adhd but I'm just speculating). Ok enough of the heavy, queue cute picture of a dog I captured running freely without a care in the world lol. He used to join my partner and I on our morning walks around the village :)

This is a great opportunity to quote the wonderful Hermione Granger from Harry Potter...

I have to say that I agree with that. What we tell ourselves becomes our whole belief system, how we view the world, our perceptions, values, etc. It's everything, and even knowing this, we still put ourselves through hell, and a great deal of it could be avoided if we just believed in ourselves more. I understand that we can't all be good at everything, and how boring would that be if we were. And I don't wish to be good at everything either, I just wish I could listen to myself when I give myself these talks about finishing what I start, whatever it may be. So as I write this, I am making myself acknowledge that I am only human, one person, that I am capable, and most of all, to take one step at a time! And preferably, beautiful steps like these...

If you've got this far, then thank you for reading my ramble, haha! I appreciate you and your time. I am sure there'll be many more rambles to come! ;)