Relationships, Love, Dreams, Wants and Compromises

When I became a teenager, and old enough to start being interested in girls "in that way," I also started to develop my own inner landscape of what I felt a love relationship should look like; what I wanted it to look like.

Because I was "raised by wolves" (AKA, my parents) I also had a very clear sense — from the very start — of what I definitely did not want a relationship to look like.

Maybe this is not so unusual. Some of us grow up wanting to replicate our parents' relationship; some of us determine we want to avoid their model, to whatever degree possible.

I fell into the latter group.

My parents' marriage was more like a "business relationship" than anything. With the benefit of several decades of hindsight — and talking to a few close relatives — there was little doubt that my father wanted "a pretty arm ornament" and my mother wanted "money and status."

Without a doubt, history suggests that they each got exactly what they wanted, but along the way my dad discovered that it wasn't really what he wanted... while my mom continued the path of "you can never be too rich or too thin" as declared by Wallis Simpson, former Duchess of Windsor.

My teenage brain knew and understood that love was a thing, even if I had never experienced it in anything but a very "functional" sort of way... "Here, have a new bicycle as a representation that you are important to me."

By the time I reached 18 and left home, I had created a rather mixed-up and fantastical "soup" in my soul. representing what I thought I wanted... romantic dreams, if you will. At their heart the fundamental idea that there surely had to be something better than what I had witnessed all around me during my first 18 years.

In truth, my dreams were perhaps less shattered by love, itself, than by the discovery of just how mean, manipulative and selfish most people on this planet are. Or, at least, can be.

Years later, I was watching the 1992 movie "Singles" and was struck by one particular piece of dialogue:

"Everybody has an act. I think you have an act, and that act is not having an act."

The significance of relating this story is the seeming dichotomy of people insisting that they want openness, transparency, intimacy and authenticity... but when actually faced with it, they run screaming for the hills... while some see this lack of hidden motives as reasons to swoop in like birds of prey in search of a good meal.

It's funny how the general world wisdom on relationships tends to be some variation on "don't settle" and yet most people end up doing precisely that, as their original dreams of love increasingly tarnish with time... we shove aside more and more of our "wants" as most likely being unattainable and we compromise more and more of ourselves and our values in service of...

... maybe our fears of being eternally alone?

But do the dreams really go away, simply because reality serves up a different kind of dish? Or are they always there, bubbling below the surface? Or so we simply make peace with the interpretation — the spin — that we had originally put on love, relationships and connection was outside the scope of reality?

We each have to find our answer to those questions... and decide what to do with those answers. Moreover, we have to find that point of compromise where we walk that fine line between eternal hope and not becoming so trapped in a potentially impossible dream that we forget to enjoy the present.

And "miracles" do happen...

Thanks for stopping by, and have a great Friday!

How about you? Did you have specific dreams about your adult relationships, during your formative years? Have you emulated or rejected your parents' model... or neither? Do we sometimes carry hopes and dreams that are beyond reality? Leave a comment if you feel so inclined — share your experiences — be part of the conversation!

(All text and images by the author, unless otherwise credited. This is ORIGINAL CONTENT, created expressly for this platform — Not posted elsewhere!)

Created at 2024.03.22 01:55 PDT
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