Disorder Part 3

The following year, she broke up with me. What made the breakup a mess was that she never gave me a definite reason. She just said that she didn't love me anymore. Despite her reason, I kept asking myself what I have done wrong. Paranoia strikes again and it bewildered my imagination. Back then, I understood that she no longer loved me, it was final. Beneath her statement is a plethora of possible reasons. Each and every one of these reasons came to haunt me for months to come. Am I too ugly for her? Is she seeing someone else? What did I do wrong? Questions started to run in my mind even in my sleep (although I never got much sleep).

A week after we broke up, I finally had enough of my thoughts. It was time to end everything and kill myself. I disconnected both brake cables from my rear and front wheels. My plan was to not wear a helmet and speed up to a wall in our school. With enough speed, I should kill myself immediately. I revved my engine loudly and I burst from my starting point. I was ready. I was ready to die. I was going 80 kilometers per hour. About ten seconds into the wall, something snapped in my mind. I can't explain what it was but it made me sweat cold bullets from my chest. Suddenly, I chickened out. I tried to hit the breaks but I remembered I removed the cables. I was actually going to die. Fortunately, I was quick enough to think to shift down and release the clutch. I was alive. I can't believe I was still alive.

(End of Part 3)