A toxic love without escape
A toxic love without escape
I wake up every day wanting to go out into the streets to breathe the fresh air that I cannot breathe in those four walls that hold sadness, agony, panic and much violence. I would like my mouth to be open to the truth and not just to be raped for his hands and parts of his body. The mere thought of opening my mouth to denounce all his atrocities and abuses reminds me of his face, the one that so frightens me and makes me pee over my fear, it is like seeing and feeling a penetrable pain inside me, much stronger than the shameful pain he transmits to me when he holds me tightly in his arms.
Sometimes my mind breaks and the thoughts of holding a sharp weapon crosses my mind, many times I have had that shiny polished and sharp metal under my bed waiting for the perfect moment to stick all that pain in his chest that I get every day, but my tears fall immediately as well as my strength, I lose the hope of living a life again, of being able to see my family once more, I feel great sorrow and regret for not having listened to the wise words of my mother before falling into this loop of vice, before the nets of this disgusting man who has me trapped all alone for him, between his threats, and the initial charm that made me tremble in his arms...but it was all just a lie.
As I walk through the streets, I see couples smiling, kissing and hugging. I don't remember the last time we shared an ice cream together, some smile or sincere kiss, those times were left behind and I felt that I couldn't do anything, just feel the same cold that the breeze was embracing me in that moment when my tears again fell on my face.
I saw in the distance that square where he asked me to marry him, I was so excited that day, I remember that before giving him the "yes" many pigeons came to our seat while he was on his knees and I sat on the bench very blushing, When we kissed and I accepted those free animals flew and spread around the world to bring the good news of a union, but they are no longer witnesses of the reality in my present, something that is not full of what they represent, humility, peace and happiness, on the contrary, I feel tied, forced even my attempt at happiness every day is violated.
I put on my headphones to escape from the real world too; my favorite song plays and in my mind scenes of courage are drawn, a soul in pain taking the necessary strength passes out of the darkness, to feel invincible in the face of evil and manipulation, powerful and unstoppable to put that person who hurts so much behind bars forever. No more violence, no more involuntary sex, more dreams, hopes and life.
But just as that music was short lived and I return to reality, I can perhaps repeat the music over and over again, but the reality is that once I get up and walk down those streets again, she will be waiting for me with a bra in hand to punish me, apologize for the pain caused and play the victim.
That's how it was, that afternoon he was waiting with his bra and a bottle in hand, he was drunk, and without being able to take advantage of the opportunity to end it all at once, he had already tested his strength to being drunk and had only ended up with my head full of blood from the blow of his bottle, raped, and in the end he woke up next to me crying, healing my wounds.
It was simply a toxic love from which I could not escape.