I think you're really good at getting inside the main characters head chinny.
I could tell so much about her from the narration. This is a great tale of love and obsession.
My only gripe would be that there's but enough action going on, but that's a small constructive criticism. There is a kind of nostalgic sadness to the tone of the prose that lends an air of fascination for the reader.
Nice short story. Thanks for sharing at The Ink Well 🙂
Thank you, Raj. It's always a pleasure to to read your reply. And feel free to criticise anytime. I don't mind at all.
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You know me, I'm a natural teacher when it comes to creative writing.
But I want to keep The Ink Well all about fun. I'd never have provided constructive feedback like that if you weren't used to it 😉 having spent so much time in the promo-mentors sessions.
Plus I've gotta follow the ink well guidelines I wrote lol
Hopefully it was constructive. I really liked the story overall!
It definitely was. Thank you.
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I love this story!!
Your prose is pitch-perfect. Nothing about it suggests English is not your native language, but your name suggests you're African. You're very well educated and a natural storyteller.
"Not enough action" for Raj, but for me it's fine as is. The action (earthquake, I presume) already took her mother and she's rebuilding her life in the neighborhood of her childhood. You capture the shock, the moving on, the calm that children can achieve after catastrophe:
Wow!
Your short sentences also capture the mindset and your simple word choices are strong:
We enter the man's POV, and again you pull us right into his world ("Deep Point of View" is the narrative technique you employ so well; you may already know that, but I learned the term years after my degree in English teaching).
Succint prose - I love it!
I love the ending!!!!
#Understatement is so powerful, it makes me see why "purple prose" is verboten. I still love purple prose, especially in the fantasy genre, but in your story, "less is more." This:
Then she's in a tight dress, with painted face, doing what she must to pay her way in the world, and you narrate that, too, with clinical precision and emotional restraint.
I'm sorry I missed out on whatever promo-mentors sessions Raj refers to!