CONTEST Entry: Looking Back/Look Forward 4.12

benisnice (56)in CCC • 3 years ago

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/stuck-on-shore-of-self-sabotage-cut-your-anchor-loose-0219184

According to James Baldwin, People are trapped in history and history is trapped in them.Trapped.That was the word I wanted to use in looking back.When something bad happened to me in the past, I tend to victimize myself. A prison to my own mindset. Plague with depression, chaos and unsatisfied disposition. What's funny is, its not seen in my everyday life, cause the war is happening from deep within.Or should I say that even I myself is oblivious to what is happening to me.All I know is that I'm not happy and I'm looking for something.

I'm looking for myself. Ive been dissatisfied for a long time, though It didn't ring a bell why. I just know that I'm not aligned.
I didn't notice that I willingly accepted the reality and beliefs that the society, and everyone wants me to believe in.In addition to that is the fact that I still dont know myself that well.So outside forces are easily welcomed.

Then dark night of the soul happened.I can still remember I'm juggling my classes, clinic and my self introspection for a long time.But when I realized that in order to get away from the imprisonment of others I need to know myself. I need to break free from my own imprisonment. I read a lot of books, psychology books, self-help, biography, memoir and others, name it.I went to cafe and fast food chains and stay there until morning for my introspection and studies.It was a relief, I was never much alive but the journey is still full of hudles. But even though I'm not afraid anymore.Life is unfair but I'm not fazed.I can say that I'm not in the prison in the past and right now I'm not a prison of any. I allowed myself to be free.

Im going to look forward that way. Though freedom should never be a indulged, maintaining the control as a form of freedom is the way to move forward.Ego depletion is a must, in order to learn and to transform, we need to change.So be like the water without the container.Flow.