It's a long freewrite, it can make a good story. Check the names and delete it a few times. In one sentence three times the same name is a bit too much. Helpful to me is if I know if the story is about men or... I can't tell by just the names, except Jorge.

Since you write episodes see if you can start and end it in a way there's not need to read the first or next part to like it.

Happy writing and a great weekend.