CONTEST #5 || WEEK-1||MY HOLIDAY TIME @dayohraphix

The long vacation preceding the end of session at university of Nigeria Nnsukka, i insisted I will travel to Lagos against the counsel of mum who wanted me to be with them at Onitsha and either go and complete my diploma course in computer engr or join my dad in his place of business.

I gave mum my word that since the vacation was up to two months I will spend one month in Lagos and come back for either my Training or business with Dad.Dad saw reasons with me and agreed but mum made a further counter offer by asking me to spend the first one month in Onitsha before proceeding to travel.

I refused. I already gotten dad’s deciding vote so it was two against one. Mum no doubt loves me very much, apart from wanting me to do Computer Training she wants me to always be with her in the Kitchen cutting vegetables, pounding pepper, crayfish, peeling yam and probably making semo. She had once told me she won't let me get married without knowing how to cook.

When mum finally saw she didn't have much options, she reluctantly gave her approval. But I knew she will find a way to remind me that it was her breast that I sucked as an infant. A day to my travel, my mum popularly known as “Nwaanyi Yoruba” came back from Market with a taxi loads of items. I was certain mum was not trying to open a shop because she already had one , but kept my cool waiting for her to do her thing.

Mum packed a big “Ghana must go” bag and a small “sacks and motors” full of yam, rice, beans, oil, stock fish, melon, unripe plantain etc for me to take to lagos. She instructed that I should make sure the smaller bag doesn't enter the booth as the contents are delicate.

The bags were scary making it look as if there is no market in Lagos where some of this items can be gotten.I was seated behind the driver in between two women. The woman in my left was an elderly woman and from the bags beside her she was either going to visit her son or daughter.

The lady in my right from my assessment was in her late 30s. My only worry was that she was as big as 2 rooms and parlour and already even before the bus started moving she already started encroaching in my space and compressing me like sharwama. I knew it will be a long journey and most importantly a discomforting one, but it was a price I was ready to pay to see life outside South East of Nigeria.

The Bus was about leaving when the sister by my right remembered she wanted to buy water, meat pie, gala. Driver wait sister shouted. Another lady far behind responded “wait for what don't you know it's Lagos we are going to”.

This Sisters changed it for her and , everywhere became rowdy. She called the lady toothpick because of her stature. I pinched and advised myself to mind my business if I intend to have a smooth journey because I can easily pass for Ogwu Azu. The lady replied her in igbo saying “Nee ka ora ka enyi, adagbukwana nwa no gi na akuku”(See as she is as big as Elephant, don't fall on the boy beside you).

I smiled knowing fully well that someone already got my back.The Driver seem to be a peaceful man. He gave her few minutes to buy what she wanted. Aunty was buying and still exchanging vituperative with the lady behind.

I was wondering why mama beside me was just laughing and smiling without saying a word. I thought they said an elder does not stay at home while a goat strangles herself with a rope. Hanty did not invite anybody to join her while she started eating what she bought not even the small me beside her.

She kept looking at me and still will not give offer me to join her. She already gave me reason to be scared of her. In my mind I was already cursing and consistently repeating “eat alone and die alone”.We followed Benin route . We were still somewhere at Benin Express Road, when this same sister said to the driver, “Driver please when you get to next bus stop let me buy Okpa and Banana” .

Her rival behind hissed heavily and everyone started laughing including mama. Even though I claim to know my Fundamental Rights, I dare not laugh as I already saw her giving mama a stern look.

Many of the passengers took the benefit of our brief stop at bus stop to buy things for themselves. I didn't buy anything. Mama offered me Okpa and I thanked her while this old model agbohobia a.k.a " Agadinwanyi baby” kept eating and stuffing herself with Okpa she bought.

This lady was the only one that insisted that we should watch a Nigerian movie when the driver asked us of what kind of movie we will like to see.She will watch and laugh. Her laughter was actually intended to spite us that were against seeing a Nigerian movie.

Just because of what she saw in the movie about one lawyer that did a divorce case for her client just to end up having an affair with her, Sister decided to take all lawyers to the cleaners, badmouthing them and calling them all sorts of unprintable names.

The man who was in in front with the driver engaged her in an argument. She kept saying all men are the same but lawyers where the worst. They are not romantic, They don't last long in bed, always wearing coat, speaking English and lying up and down. The man requested to know what she does for a living but she refused to say.

I couldn't say I was a medical Student before “mmadu afoo m ka onugbu”(before she deals with me) neither could I defend the honour of the penile organ wielding suit wearing species.While she was vibrating and exchanging banters with the man and other passengers that has joined the conversation, she released one of these slow motion semi noisy flatus. Both of us looked at each other knowing fully well I knew she did it.

Her look was fierce probably with the intention of silencing me with it or reminding me of what she is capable of. I kept quiet waiting for when my God will fight for me. I didn't hear the sound of the second one but the smell could throw an aged person into stroke. I didn't expect anything less from someone who had already before me eaten Ofeakwu, banana, okpa and coke in a space on 3 hours.

I was very close to the source and the stench was making me to sweat profusely. The mess came at intervals non stop and this time her constant looking at my direction could not prevent the smell anymore. Other passengers including the driver were now murmuring and looking at our direction. They were suspecting her but no one grew the balls to point a finger.

I didn't know this lady was in a situation until she started shouting driver stop stop and her enemies were urging the driver not to stop. She had not said she wanted to do a diluted solid waste disposal(afo osisa) but the lady she earlier had issues with mockingly shouted driver someone is shiting in your car.

I suddenly found my voice and in her defence urged the drive in a loud voice to stop the bus. I didn't do it out of my love for humanity but for the fear that I might go Into Cardiac arrest if More time were to be wasted.

For Crying out loud I underestimated the size of this lady. When she got down from the bus matching towards the bush, everywhere was shaking. She was as big as that fish at Ajah round about and as wide as Alex Ekwueme Square. It reminded me of that old song “Enyi na aga na nso gi na azu, gwo gwo gwoo ngwo”.

To make her matter worst she was wearing a jump suit thus needed to go far into the bush because of the likely event that she will pull off everything and force us into remembering our fallen heroes and going for emergency confession at the end of the day.

It was an hour of breath of fresh air . Some Passengers were gossiping and gisting while we waited for her. I was determined I will get my pound of flesh from that lady for holding me hostage on top of the tfare I paid. . We resumed our journey. This lady could not even thank us for waiting for her. I didn't know there were other passengers who were sharpening their swords in their mind like I was doing.

After a while one of the passengers quietly told her Aunty you couldn't even thank us for waiting for you. This sister that doesn't fear God started shouting back. “unu enwero ike eji anyu nsi”(don't you all have ass for shiting) she replied. As a person, I have never seen this type of bitterleaf type of human being. She kept quarrelling with almost everyone. I was boiling and at the same time helpless. We are already at Lagos but not yet to our final designation.

Somewhere at Ojota, our dearest sister started making calls. She actually wanted to stop by the junction but from all indications wanted to confirm from someone on the phone. She lost sight of the fact that police men where on that road and before us. I didn't know how one Police man sighted her and flanked our bus down.

Policemen seldomly stops transport buses but for this lady we were stopped only that the goodnews was that she will come down at that junction and we can afford to leave her with them and bolt. The policemen did not even exchange words with the driver, they just came straight to the door and opened it. They queried her why she was answering call at check point.

She was still trying to mutter an answer when they asked her if she was my mother. Even though she was not my mum, she didn't hesitate to deny me in the manner Peter denied Jesus. The overzealous policeman placed his hand in my baco bag I was carrying on my lap and took out a non-transparent container my mum had put in there while he was asking me of the content.

I didn't know the content because mum packed it herself. The fact that I could not explain its content made it look more suspicious. The policeman forcefully opened the container and two pieces of “ogiri okpei” fell off from the Container down inside the lady’s clothe. The smell made the police to cover it and quickly gave it back to me and asked us to go.

Aunty was cursing me as the driver helped her to bring down her luggages. Other passengers were so happy she will go home smelling of Okpei. Mama told me she has hers too in one of her bags that she was going for Omugwo.

We left our dear sister with the ogiri okpei inside her clothe to sort herself out.

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