Neighborhood News (2/1/2020): The Big Game
Hello Neighbors!
I hope you’re done digesting your meals from The Great Feast, because tomorrow is the day of The Big Game! And you know what that means: pregame tailgating! All the junk food and beer you can shovel down your gaping maws and into your throats in celebration of brutality in the name of sport are yours to ingest!
The annual Neighborhood tailgating party will kick off at 3am, where everybody will bring their delicious, homemade chili (using the HOA’s mandated recipe, of course)! Get excited to try all the different chilis on the mile-long table on The Clubhouse Lawn!
You’ll have a lot of time to mingle with your Neighborhood friends, so don’t forget to bring your smiles!
Once everyone is thoroughly bored, we can move on.
The Ceremonial Beheading of Chris will begin at sundown (I hear this will be adjustable when The New Sun is completed). The Neighborhood Elders will gather around the basketball court, surrounding a blindfolded Chris. Chris will washed with clean, municipal Neighborhood water and then showered with white roses. He will then be harshly reprimanded by The Elders, as he has been warned multiple times to keep his lawn up to HOA mandated length and hue.
Juices overflowing, Chris' head will be given to chief referee Ernest McNallay to imbibe, both out of respect for his objective judgment, and also granting him the vitality and perception necessary to perform his job at the highest level possible.
Chris’ head will then be used in Mayan Basketball between the two remaining neighborhood Mayan Basketball teams: “The Rosewood Street Dropbears” and “a team whose name can only be described as the perpetual scream of a man who stared too long into the void of space and is gripped by existential terror”.
Mayan Basketball is a fun basketball-themed game typically played in pick-up-game style by The Neighborhood children at our local YMNA. It was originally founded by the Mayan’s who wanted to play basketball but couldn’t order a ball. Just because they lived near the Amazon didn’t mean they got free prime shipping, and it would’ve just been too expensive to get the legit thing.
We encourage fanfare and cheering from all Neighbors.
After the game, the fans of the team that lost (and were subsequently sacrificed) get to participate in the tradition of NWA sanctioned RIOTING! If you’re angry that your team lost, you have the Neighborhood Watch Association’s full permission to riot away to your angry heart’s content.
Has that street light on the corner of Oak and Pine (you know, the one that keeps flickering) been annoying you lately? Knock it over!
Do the stop signs and traffic lights at intersections which obviously don’t need stop signs and traffic lights upset you? Tear them down!
There’s many things that haven’t been welded down that are rife for flipping! Trash cans, cars, the pool...flip those bitches! Your team lost!
Arson is always a good way to release that inner flame, so light your smug neighbor’s McMansion on fire and calm that stress.
Good and bad happen every day. Maybe you caught that green light right before it turned yellow. Maybe you burnt yourself with coffee. Or maybe you're being sacrificed for losing a game of Mayan Basketball.
The Ceremonial Beheading of Chris doesn't seem like a fun experience, at least if you're Chris! 😆
Chris should have kept his lawn up to regulation length and hue. He was warned many times by the Home Owners' Association and the Neighborhood Watch Association.
Oh my, that is gonna be quite the basketball game :)
It's for The Cup. The teams will battle fervently.