One more year without Layne, April is a fateful month for Grunge music
Greetings community! A day like today, of different years two of my favorite artists died. Kurt Cobain in 1994 and Layne Staley in 2002. During this day, most of the media, post information about Kurt, leaving Layne apart, so that´s why I want to dedicate my first post to the memory of Layne. I wrote this in 2004 and shared it in an Alice in Chains blog in 2017 for the 15th aniversary of his death. Hope you like it. Hugs.
They say that you always remember where you were and what you were doing when something important happened. I don´t remember where I was neither what I was doing when Layne left this world. Probably I was in one more day of classes in the University waiting to go home and pay my personal tribute to Kurt Cobain as every April 5th. And I don´t remember it because as all of us, nobody knew about his decease but 15 days after he was dead.
As we all know, his body was found lifeless by the police and seems that he had already many days in decomposition. Layne´s mom, Nancy, had request to the police to go and check his apartment in the Seattle University because she had many days without any news from his son. 15 days! 15 days and nobody didn´t even felt a little worry, curiosity or just the wish to know someting about Layne, especially knowing that he wasn´t in a good health and probably neither well emotionally. Layne was not alone in this world, he had a mother, a father, sisters and friends. 15 days! 15 days and nobody showed up! Maybe some knocked the door with no reply and some others called him but Layne never picked up the phone. It wouldn´t be strange because is a fact that by that time, Layne didin´t answer the calls neither opened the door to almost no one who went to visit him. His only company, apart from video games was Sadie, his dear cat, with whom maybe he could refuge with to find the peace he was looking for with no need to speak (The sounds of silence often soothe - Frogs). Krist Novoselic said once that as he knew that Layne sometimes didin´t attend him, he used to bring him food and left it outside the door.
I could speculate here about the reasons that Layne maybe had to don´t want to talk with nobody but I´m not gonna do it. There are moments in life when we just want to be alone, completely alone, even knowing that the help or company of someone could make us feel better and take us out from the hole we are in, but we don´t want to accept it. (Black is all I feel, so this is how it feels to be free…Loneliness follows me quicker than darkness crawls, to the surface of my skin visibly surrounded by it… Pain it fills me up… – Am I inside). While most people in situations like that, come out from their personal hell, some of them never do it and they surrender, or even worst, never face that demon and they let him destroy their lives little by little without make any resistence. (Field of pain is where I graze – Angry chair).
Layne was a noble person, one of those good souls people that everybody likes, not only because of his warm personality but also because of qualities that he always showed signs of like his simplicity, humility and good mood, quite the opposite to the tipical “rock star” who tends to a certain cynicism, arrogance and egolatry. Maybe that was the reason why he aparted himself from everything and everybody, he didin´t want to be the center of attention of something not related with music and by that time, to keep on the public eye could have been not good for him as the media will started to treat him as “one more junkie rockstar”, a very different perception he wanted his fans to have about him because as he said “My addictions don´t define me as a person”. So that´s why he choose to isolate himself.
15 days! There are so many days! As a fan of his music, disturbs me to think on the solitude he was living in, in the dark and endless that his pain could be during that time of his life that unfortunately, was the last for him. How many of us would have like to be close to him and have done even the most ridiculous things just to make that smile and that sparkle in those big and round blue eyes come back to his face. Layne´s eyes didn´t lie, they were always an exact reflexion of his soul, do the test to watch Music Bank and the Unplugged one after one and pay attention to his eyes in every video, how they change from the young, vivid, inocent and hungry for success look in Man in the box, where those eyes stare at us, to the aloof and anguished look hided behind dark glasses in Would, to then look at us with tiredness, boredom and even indiference on Grind, and finally, see how his beautiful eyes had transform into two turbid mirrors of his soul, dazed by the lights, sad witnesses of the inclement hell that Layne subdued himself, more than by his own free will, by his own omission “I took a wrong decision and I´m still paying for that” he said once.
I remember the impact that Layne´s last interview had on me, where he talked that his addict condition was serious and that not only he accepted it but he also insinuated he wasn´t interested and couldn´t do nothing to change his life (And yet I fight this battle all alone, no one to cry to, no place to call home -- Nutshell). It also surprised me that he said to don´t call any of the Alice in Chains guys because they weren´t his friends anymore. Actually, there´s no much information about his relationship with Jerry, Sean and Mike after the obligatory “pause” they were forced to take due Layne´s many problems.
Today we commemorate the life of a great artist but also of a great human being. It makes me sad that he´s not here anymore, that the drugs, the pain and sadness were stronger than his will to fight to come out from that hell (My pain is self chosen – River of deceit). I miss that wish I had that made me dream with his comeback to the band at any moment. I´m glad to know that he doesn´t suffer anymore, and that neither lives in darkness. I feel fortunate to have his music as part of my life´s soundtrack and to keep discovering new meanings in every Alice´s song depending on how I feel that particular day. You know how this works, words fit to please our soul. Layne said that the meaning of Alice in Chains songs was exactly what you thought it was when you were listened to them. That's it.
To many people (specially for those no fans of nothing) maybe thre´s no sense to see that I dedicate all these lines to someone I never met, saw and never will see, at least no in this life. What difference does it make? Tell me, Isn´t incredible the music he did? Isn´t unique his voice? Isn´t special his way to reach and touch the darkest side of our soul? I love the light he take out from darkness or the tenderness he inspires when he confused Sludge Factorie´s lyrics on the unplugged, well, the truth is that I love many more things about Layne, but one thing I love the most is his energy, that energy in his smile, which comes from the deepest part of his soul. Everytime I think about Layne, I think about him smiling, because for me, that was the real face of his soul, despite all the crap and obscurity that use to be associated with his image.
I almost forgot, I said that maybe I don´t remember where I was or what I was doing the day Layne died but I do remember where I was and what I was doing when I knew about his death. It was almost 10 am and I was in my bedroom all sweaty doing exercises when a radio program I used to listen was beggining and they read the news “Alice in Chains singer Layne Staley is found dead in his apartment in advanced grade of decomposition, aparently from an heroin overdose”. It just knocked me down, I sat on the floor, in silence, for a while. It was a very sad day. That afternoon in the University I remember to talked about this with a friend who liked the Seattle bands, and he didin´t say nothing, absolutely indiference, neither a “fuck, I didn´t knew”, at least as respect for the many times he had enjoying listened Alice´s songs, nothing, “what a pathetic” I thought, that day I realized I didn´t have any Alice in Chains fan friend, I still don't.
Layne died alone, although Sadie was there (Alone, we´re all alone - All Alone).
Thank you for so many things that you don´t know you have put in our lives. I hope you finally have found a place to go.