Steeming Community Contest | "Overcoming My Greatest Fear" | The Worst Fears Of A Mother
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Real dangers, as well as flashbacks of threats, can instill fear in us. Overcoming anxieties is difficult for people. When we become aware that we are fearful, we must evaluate if the threat is real or whether we have begun to generalize our fear and seek facts to validate it rather than question it. We must always be willing to ask ourselves these challenging questions, hone in on our own emotions, and recognize people for who they genuinely are if we are to remain balanced and with a good perspective.
This fear is my test and my demon to slay because it will appear unannounced and gruesomely until I do. The only way out is to command this brain to function, to demand solutions rather than this circling anxiety that is driving me insane. So, even if my bones are weak and my muscles are useless, I still have the option of remaining still and quiet enough to choose how to fight.
My Fears and My Bleeding Heart:
Being a single mother is no joke, especially when your child has SPECIAL NEEDS (Epileptic-Quadriplegic Cerebral Palsy). He is unable to speak, move, or even sit on his own, yet being able to understand and transmit his message using sign language. He is, in a nutshell, bedridden. In September, he will turn 22 years old. Because of his disability, I had to leave my promising profession and stay at home to care for him.
My youngest son, CJ, was born prematurely at the age of seven months as a result of stress. When he got sepsis, he was incubated and his life was at stake ( an infection of the blood). Blood was seen spewed up from his little mouth during his treatment period. His skin turned to ash, and he lost his color. I turned away, sat on the floor, and grieved quietly, telling God that if CJ wasn't meant for me, "I AM LETTING HIM GO." I heard CJ cry right after I was completely done praying to God. The doctor patted my back and said, "He is God's gift to you. He's a fighter who has overcome adversity!" I looked back and saw my baby's face had turned pink as he was whimpering out loud. " I cried and hugged him as I carried him. He was so small that he only weighed 1.5 pounds, about the same as a 1.5-liter Coke. I take him to his pediatrician on time every time he has an appointment.
Diagnosed to Have Cerebral Palsy
Cerebral Palsy is a condition that affects people of all ages. When he was four (4) months old, I was perplexed by his development because he should have been able to open and close his hand, but instead, his fingers were bent in toward the palm and held there tightly in a clenched fist. I told his pediatrician about it and suggested a Child Development Medicine Specialist. CJ was diagnosed with Quadriplegic Cerebral Palsy, which caused my jaw to drop open. He insisted on seeing CJ every two (2) months to track his progress. I took his doctor's advice and had Physical and Occupational Therapy recommended for my son. He had a few sessions, but the therapy was put on hold for many years due to financial constraints.
Diagnosed To Have Epilepsy
Epilepsy is a neurological disorder that affects people of all ages. He was 11 years old at the time. I rushed him to the hospital because he was having trouble breathing and his entire body was stiff and pale. He was admitted and monitored for a week. I met a Neuro-Pediatric Doctor through his pediatrician. He inquired about my son's medical history and advised that an Electroencephalography Laboratory Test be recommended. My son has Epileptic Cerebral Palsy, according to him. For the nth time, my world was shattered! The doctor prescribed an anticonvulsant (Valproic Acid) maintenance medication for CJ, as well as every two-month check-up. Three years ago, he was diagnosed to have an ASTHMA and was prescribed another maintenance medicine (Salmeterol + Fluticasone propionate).
Taking care of my son is also not a problem for me unless he is unwell. The worst-case scenario is that he is unable to urinate for 12 hours or longer, forcing me to take him to the hospital for a straight-cut catheter to drain his urine. Not only that but there are times when he gasps for air and has trouble breathing, entailing another trip to the hospital emergency room. I'm extremely worried because I occasionally see him almost black and blue. When I'm scared, I've had the sensation that my heart is about to jump out of my mouth. All I can do is cry and pray at this point. It saddens me greatly to see him in such a state. When he looks at me, I can tell he's hurting inside, and I've seen tears roll down his cheeks and my heart bleeds for him but I have to hide my tears.
Frailties Of A Woman And A Mother
When I'm tired, rattled, and scared, I ask God what I've done to deserve for my son to suffer in this way when there are others who are more sinful (righteous? I'm not sure). I am a good daughter who follows His teachings, despite my sporadic misbehavior. You might see I'm laughing, but if you look deeply into my eyes (our eyes are the windows to our souls), you'll notice I'm carrying heavy luggage and in agony. I may appear to be a strong woman, but I am deeply wounded on the inside. I can carry a ton of rice, which is essentially what I do every day. They say I'm Wonder Woman, and I have to believe it! Be healthy and strong because no one else will look after him because my mother is already 86 years old and I cannot afford to employ a caregiver to look after his needs.
Entrust Everything In God
I always face the everyday battle of my son's illness and even thinking of giving up, but God's love prevails and will always shine in my heart. Am keeping the FAITH till the end of our struggles and battles... I feared these bad moments have loosened their bonds and infiltrated my self-assurance, eroding me during a certain dark time. When I'm tired and want to escape the night, I'm most scared, but when I wake up, I'm no longer scared. The feeling of being scared is a natural one. It was placed in your path by God to protect you. However, as you get older, you'll notice that you're more often the protector than the one being protected. You'll get used to this role over time.
@joshuelmari
Wow, you are really a loving mother ate.
Thank you so much @jb123 for that awesome statement and thanks for visiting my post.
This post is chosen for a recommendation for booming curation support today. Continue creating quality content here at Steeming Community.
Thank You.
Oh! Thank you so much for recommending my post for booming curators' support. I will always create quality content in this incredible community that is also very supportive. Again thank you and Godspeed.
!zen 30
Helloo, It is Alejandro. I just pass by to tell you that I have curated your post using Steemingcuration account. Keep up with the good work 😊
Notes: none.
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Thank you so much for the support.
Thank you so much for passing by and curating my post. I promise to write quality content. Godspeed.
Keep up 😊 you are doing great
Thank you so much for the push. I am so delighted 😊
It's a lifetime commitment sister so you need to be strong for the welfàre of your son. God bless!
Yes, Sis, a life commitment for mothers like us, and you are right we should always be strong for our children. Being a parent should be that way, not an additional thing or an "add on" but a central theme that other passions revolve around.
May light at the end of the rainbow, just hold on, dito makita ang motherly love
Thank you, Sis ganyan talaga tayong mga Nanay. Motherhood is challenging enough.
I admire you, you are such an exemplary mom! I hope he's always healthy.
Contest entry verification:
Thank you so much for joining this contest. I wish you good luck!
Dakilang ina na nagsakripisyo para sa anak. God bless you always.
Ganun tayong mga Ina, Sis. Tulad mo ang laki din ng sakripisyo mo. Kailangan mo pang mangibang bansa para sa kinabukasan ng iyong anak. God bless you as well.