Feeling Exposed / Welcoming a Change

I wrote a freewrite today.

I wrote a freewrite today.

I wrote a freewrite today.

And I did yoga.

Long deep breath.

I have some internal work to do. My days are filled with glorious moments made from spontaneity. My days are full with laughter and love. The kind that make your heart sing and your stomach muscles ache.

I'm surrounded by light.

But I often choose the hardest path, and I don't know why.

It must have started some time in the beginnings of motherhood like most things do. You simply take on this new role without any idea of how to manage because the last time you were neck deep in this situation you were the kid. It looks a lot different when you're the adult.

I find that I hide behind chores and to-do lists all of which make me feel productive, none of which satisfy my soul.

It's easy for me to slip down the lane of dishes and laundry, things my kids could easily do...but then I would have free time...to...do...what? The things that satisfy my soul?

But that makes me feel exposed.

Have I kept these things under cover to keep them safe from the crying babies of my past or the husband who was tired after a long day of work? Did they lose their place because I was busy keeping everyone afloat? If there were temper tantrums and bad bosses maybe that meant I could't have a good day filled with the things I loved?

Maybe I told myself to fit into the status quo I needed to work just as hard him...ahhh a faint memory arrives at that very thought.

My husband told me just the other day, that maybe the reason I find it hard to write or to dance or to do yoga was because of a ninja thought that was created from an emotion that doesn't exist anymore.

I think he's right.

My kids no longer have temper tantrums. My husband works for himself, he creates the days he wants. I've been envious of this. My days still look the same, and although I could change them...the thought makes me feel exposed.

So, I took a minute...five minutes...and I wrote a freewrite. You can read it if you want. It's therapeutic for me, and it led me to write this blog. It feels really good to write.

My family knows I work hard, and a productive day doesn't always equal a good day. I want to create my days. They could all look different, like a beautiful rainbow. They could be filled with the things I love plus the amazing spontaneous moments made by my family. Those crying babies are now teenagers who give me space, love and support. My once overworked husband is always here now cheering me on.

It's time to take some steps in the right direction. It's time to recognize what my reality looks like now.

I wrote a freewrite today and a blog. I also did some yoga. Maybe tomorrow it will be ballet. Maybe every day that I expose something I love, will mean I'm one step closer.

Thanks so much for sharing this with me. I don't remember my last word vomit, but when it's time it's time. From the famous words of Barbossa of Pirates of the Caribbean : "For too long I've been parched of thirst and unable to quench it. Too long I've been starving to death and haven't died." Too extreme? haha Until next time friends!

Much love,
Stacie D

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