Pleasant words elicit the same positive reactions in the brain as material rewards. The brain loves praise and will try to repeat the success in order to get a new dose of dopamine.

Plus, praise encourages memorization and repetition of different actions. So this is a great incentive to grow and develop.

If a person is over praised, he will begin to wait for a positive assessment after each action, and not receiving it, he will get upset and lose the motivation to work on himself and perform even the simplest tasks.

Another reaction is also possible - the employee will stop believing in himself, because, in his opinion, it is impossible to repeat the success that gave him the desired high mark. This is also fraught with stopping vigorous activity.

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Critical assessment is more memorable than praise. For several more months we can scroll through our heads even the most fleeting remark, when at the same time the next day we forget pleasant words. Evolution must be said for this, it protects us so much from the danger of the external world. So this is not pessimism, it is an instinct for self-preservation.

This feature of the human brain can be used for motivation. If you gently point out the shortcomings of the work performed, the employee will fix everything faster.

How to balance the stick and the carrot? The review must combine praise and criticism. It sounds very simple, but in reality it is not so easy.

In successful teams, there were always about six positive comments for one negative comment.

This does not mean that criticism should be wrapped up in praise like a multi-layered sandwich. Studies show that it doesn't work anyway. The person does not properly perceive either the positive or the negative message. Of course, it is better to start with positive news, even if the overall situation is generally not very good.

A good message goes something like this: "Your efforts are very valuable, thanks for trying, let's do a little more work, understand why and where the problem occurred and solve it."

Society has changed, but social norms are rigid and lagging far behind. The current generation of thirties was raised by those who spent half of their lives (if they were parents) or most of it (grandparents) in an atmosphere of Soviet self-control. You are about to do something bold - put on a bright dress or ask for a raise in your salary - and then your grandmother's voice sounds in your head, saying: "Don't you think a lot about yourself, dear?" - and you shrink with shame.

If we feel this way about ourselves, it’s not surprising that praising others is also difficult for us - and they rarely praise us. And even when we try, sometimes it doesn't work out very well: “Yes, great dress. Isn't a belt needed here? " Such praise with a "fly in the ointment" is most often passed off as support and approval, but in reality, of course, they are not very similar to each other.

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But flattery, oddly enough, is not so far from real praise. In general, the only thing that makes them different from each other is the feeling and the reason behind them. The flattering person does not at all admire the one to whom he lavishes compliments, but simply wants to achieve his goals - that is, he manipulates. And the one who is flattered will sooner or later discover it and be very wounded.

Nobody likes flattery, everyone would like to be sincerely admired - but not everyone knows how to distinguish one from the other. Some people with fragile self-esteem at some point do not care what to “feed” it. But, unfortunately, flattery is toxic: when you find that a compliment is insincere, it seriously hurts your self-esteem and does not help you in any way. Learning to distinguish flattery from compliments requires believing that you, your accomplishments, or your qualities deserve genuine praise. And then insincerity becomes immediately noticeable.

How to praise correctly

Approval, compliment, praise are born from honest admiration, without impurities. You saw something bright and beautiful in a person - and you admired it. It doesn't matter what exactly attracted your attention: the ability to choose shoes for a dress or spiritual qualities, a large or insignificant reason. In fact, praising people is very enjoyable. And the ability to do this is often correlated with the ability to praise and approve of ourselves.

Frequent practice trains well to notice in others what you sincerely like, to praise more often, to note how a person flourishes from your praise - and how it becomes pleasant for you at this moment, too. Secondly, it helps a lot to protect yourself from toxic contacts in which your self-esteem suffers. When you are not hurt or hurt, it is easier for you to feel good about yourself and admire others.

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Of course, praise and compliments can also be inappropriate and inappropriate - but this usually refers to the topic, and not to the very desire to praise. This happens when praise breaks the usual distance between people.

Compliments regarding sexuality or physical characteristics can only be given to the person with whom you are in a relationship, and sometimes to close people, if there is such a tradition in your friendship (but in each such case, make sure that you do not violate other people's boundaries and that the person really will be comfortable).

Compliments about clothes also involve at least an informal relationship. In the case of a colleague, it is often more appropriate to praise his working qualities or a completed project, friends will be pleased to hear how fun it is with them and what a cozy home they have. but with partners, you can use a wider palette of words of praise.

In general, the safest and most comfortable praise for all participants is the one that sounds respectful, takes into account the rules that have developed between people and does not break them.

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