Ouch.

Did you ask for help? I can't find anything like that in your message.

"Obviously, I don't know what "openly inquiring" means to you."

Hmmm. That's interesting, and it's important. I didn't realize that it's an issue.

I regret this. I had no idea that it wasn't clear to you.

Hmmm...perhaps I assumed too much of everybody.

If nobody's doing it, then how would they know what it is?

If this is an authentic claim, then it explains a lot, and is enormously useful to me. Thank you for persevering.

Did you read my intro to hot? In it I quoted from a research panel's report on critical thinking:

"The ideal critical thinker is habitually inquisitive, well-informed, trustful of reason, open-minded, flexible, fair-minded in evaluation, honest in facing personal biases, prudent in making judgments, willing to reconsider, clear about issues, orderly in complex matters, diligent in seeking relevant information, reasonable in the selection of criteria, focused in inquiry, and persistent in seeking results which are as precise as the subject and the circumstances of inquiry permit."

And I wrote: "Of course (as Kant remarked about perfect wisdom), it’s impossible to maintain all of these attitudes perfectly, but if one intends to engage in CT, it’s possible to cultivate them."

That's what 'open' means to them and to me.

Nobody's perfect. Nobody's completely open! I don't accuse anyone, and I never assess
people's attitudes (publicly! we always assess everything, but as you know it's not appropriate to share our negative assessments. Instead IMO we view people with suspicion and mistrust them whenever we're uncomfortable for any reason.)

And we pin our assessments on their actions.

"The more I ask for help and direction, the more I hear that I am doing it wrong"

Tigrilla, is it possible that this isn't true?

As far as I can tell, you didn't ask for anything except for clarifications regarding your emotional reactions (which I think was very unfair, since they're your reactions, not mine, and they're only relevant to you).

And I never accused you (ever!) of doing anything wrong.

If I did please point it out and I'll retract it immediately. I don't believe that you did anything wrong, and I can't imagine why I would ever even imply it! That's totally contrary to my commitments.

Is it possible that your discomfort has more to do with your historical beliefs and feelings than with the remarks that triggered your reactions?

My experience tells me that adults are comfortable with our always-beliefs and our familiar feelings. I believe that your reactions to me are your responsibility, and that my experiences are my responsibility.

I'm accountable for my actions, but not for people's reactions. Yes. if I can predict a bad reaction (more more than less!) then I shouldn't trigger one. But a) I can't always do that, and b) nobody's perfect.

That's why I never accuse anyone of making me feel bad, and why I never believe that my reactions are somebody else's fault. It's also why my committed purposes are much more important to me than discussing my emotional states. IMO There's no progress in analyzing our feelings, only regress. They're automatic and powerful, like an ocean tide. The best we can do is acknowledge them and navigate as well as we can. We can't get rid of them only deal with them more or less effectively with regard to our purposes.

That's why I note what we've been doing and not doing. If we want to move, then we need to join forces and row in the same direction.

Riding different trains won't cut it. Please figure out if you want to conduct your inquiries in accordance with what I've learned. This would include accepting that I'll never be perfect, that your assessments aren't necessarily true, and that I can never meet your unstated expectations.

I can't even guarantee to meet your expectations if you state them, unless we agree on standards of measurement!

And (of course) I stand by my description of how people actually act in accordance with our values. On the other hand, I believe that only a small minority of people articulate our values, purpose and commitments well enough to understand what we think we're doing with much clarity...even if we think that we do!

I state that from sad experience. I've been smart, and clever (like many people). I've also been totally screwed up (like many people!).

We're clear because what we understand accords with what we've known.

That doesn't take into account the possibility that we're relying on mistaken presumptions.

You're very clear; you're experienced, and many people look up to you. That's great; congratulations.

If you're completely satisfied (or satisfied enough!) then there's no reason for you to give up what you've known. That would be not merely upsetting, but also stupid, right?

If you're not well satisfied, then giving up the knowledge that you've relied on would still be somewhat upsetting, because it would change your life. Unless you want to change your life, you should stick with what you've got. (I chose to change mine - but I was quite dissatisfied!)

As I see things, those are the choices you've faced - to unlearn your mistakes or to stick with what you've been doing. You'd need quite a bit of dissatisfaction to counter the weight of your history (I think...).

So that's what I understand. You're fine with me whatever you'll do.

Thank you for having listened.

Best wishes!