where do you look when your at the bottom?

this isnt going to be a normal discussion post like i normally do, instead im gonna provide you some insight into the mind of an individual who suffers extreme depression and anxiety. me.

i dont sugar coat anything and i never have, here recently i had a really good friend of mine someone i looked up to more then even he will ever know, overlook a few things and hurt me pretty bad. i cant be mad at him im not a normal human being and he had no idea what color marker he was using. that knowledge could have changed what he drew with that color and instead the drawing was discarded.

im sure most of you by now are like what the fuck are you talking about? well here it is. i cant make excuses for myself i have a mental illness that i choose to deal with with out the use of prescription drugs. so naturally i have a little less control over my brain as id like to think that i have. and in all honesty my life isnt that bad at the moment. i have a job and infact i just landed a better job that i start in two weeks. i own 2 cars even if one of them isnt working at the moment, i have food a place electricity internet all the normal commodities that most people associate with doing alright. and on most average days i feel luckier then most.

But creeping in the corner of my mind is a feeling that crushes anything it hovers over. for someone with anxiety problem solving becomes almost impossible. for us or me rather i have a goal in mind an end result that i want to reach at the end. where as nothing else will be acceptable to me then that one result. suddenly there is more pressure to achieve. with that pressure comes the assurity. i have to guarantee to myself that i will achieve my goal. but thats the end oint there is so much work that needs to happen in between and my brain will start to turn starting from the beginning i go through every possible action and every possible response where does that get me? what if im missing something? what if this stops me? what if i waste all this time? the questions come tumbling in and im thinking and over thinking of every possible outcome until im just too scared to even take the first step. when the odds were 1 and 2 i was confident and in the blink of an eye ive thought of 2000 other scenarios until the odds now of success in my head are 1 and 1,000,000. and now ive given up entirely.

let me break it down for you in a simpler more visual way.

my son, the light of my world and the cornerstone of my existence, when it comes to him i would do anything. if im not anxious. now imagine a simple task such as this. hes got a stye on his eye it looks infected and its causing him discomfort and im a freaking out first time dad seeing puss coming out. no problem for a normal human being, get that poor baby to the doctor!!! but for a person with anxiety heres the process. i need to get this boy to the doctor, if i take him will i make it to work the rest of the week? who cares do i have any money in my wallet to pay for the visit? who cares. so far were alright, but what if i get there and they think i neglected my son? what kind of dad am i to let something like this happen? is my home not clean? did i forget to vacuum the floor today? look at my sons clothes they dont match and are dirty? will the doctors or other patients think im a pig? fuck i didnt trim his nails and they are long they are going to notice, he could scratch him self i didnt clean his ears either thats a mean for infection, what day of the week is it? is the doctors office gonna be busy? what if my sons needs an extra diaper change? i should pack more, when was the last time he ate? i better bring snacks, has he had anything to drink in the last hour? i wonder if i should call his mom, ill shoot her a quick text.

all of that and i havent even left the house yet and it only gets worse the further from my house it gets. now that scenario of course didnt happen and probably wouldnt but it shows you some of the chaos that goes on in my head over a simple task, take my son to see a doctor. for someone with anxiety even the furthest out possibilities need to be thought about and prepared for. every choice is life or death and for every extra person in the room comes an enormous weight on my shoulders to just blend in and be normal.

the depression i still dont understand i can have some of the greatest news in the world (like my second child is a boy!!!! aya!!!! had to slip it in somewhere the gf wont see it) but yet im still so disappointed. for me every day isnt good enough for them. before in my teenage years i didnt care i could be homeless intoxicated naked and hungry and i could still be happy at times, but with my children i have such i high bar set i constantly feel like im not achieving greatness for them. now i know they are my kids unconditional love is their specialty and infact i know im passing on a lot of opportunities that would probably help me succeed at my goal but the fear and uncertainty keep me chained to the side of the room that doesnt take risk. for them the best is the only thing i want for them and for them all they want is love and time.

the reason im here writing this is simple. i while back i met a really good friend on here im gonna call him panda to remain anonymous, but me and him had big plans we wanted to go after and in the beginning when the risk was relatively small it was easy for me to do what we were doing. well time has gone by and my friend panda is on a highway to success things are falling in line for him and im happy for you brother i truly am. and he tried to rope me into with him, but i failed to tell him and explain to him how my head works. what we wanted to do sounds so perfect but the risk to reward is high just like all great accomplishments but in my head im behind in life and whats right in front of me tells me that. our vision of what we wanted to accomplish it looks good but its not guaranteed, we can do everything right and one law or regulation could come and take everything away from us or maybe the support isnt there to back us up or ..... and then their goes my mind again now today in particular im really sad and i dont know why but i am and panda was pushing me to make an investment with the only crypto i had and respectively no smart person would have turned him down but for me today wasnt the right day for me to make an emotional investment like that and i passed on the opportunity.

my friend does not know why i passed on this perfect opportunity and was offended by it. but bro it was never you man or the opportunity you offered. for my brain to work normally ive got to have a sense of normality and today wasnt that day for me.

im not coming out here to request pity or for people to treat those with these issues any different im saying this to bring awareness to those that may see these things in other people and are unsure what causes some of the rash decisions we make. i want to bring understanding so that what happened between me and panda doesnt happen to any other close friends out there.

Change is one of the most difficult things that we face. But change is inevitable. One reason we don’t like change is we get comfortable where we are. We get used to our friends, our job, the place we live. And even if it’s not perfect we accept it, because it’s familiar. And what happens is, because we’re not willing to change, we get stuck in what God used to do, instead of moving forward into what God is about to do. Just because God’s blessed you where you are doesn’t mean you can just sit back and settle there. You have to stay open to what God is doing now. What worked five years ago may not work today. If you’re going to be successful, you have to be willing to change. Every blessing is not supposed to be permanent, every provision is not supposed to last forever. We should constantly evaluate our friendships. Who’s speaking into your life? Who are you depending on? Make sure they're not dragging you down, limiting you from blossoming. Everybody is not supposed to be in our life forever. If you don't get rid of the wrong friends, you will never meet the right friends.

much love respect and gratitude
davin