I cannot even begin to relate to what you must be going through @crytopie.

I do pray for you every night. Really.

I know this is easy for me to say becuase IAm not in the kind of pain you're in but God has each given us a Race to complete.
And evidently you are alive so you're Race is not over yet

. It pains me to see the physical pain and mental pain you're in.

But please finish that Race no matter what. We will always be here for you no matter what my friend