How Active Brains Fail (and Succeed!) at Meditation

If you're either a highly intelligent or highly sensitive person - or even worse, both - meditation is freaking hard.

"Eyes closed. Deep breath in. Abdomen. Diaphragm. Am I holding it in too long? What am I counting to again?
Breathe out. I'm running out of breath. It seems easier to breathe in for a long count than it is to breathe out for a long count. Do I have the count backward?
Breathe in. I've gotta stop overthinking this breathing thing. Shit. Hehehe, Buddha once called himself a shitstick.
Breathe out. Imagining a brass Buddha statue standing up and saying, "Ho, ho, ho!" to a mall full of children. Hey Shitstick Santa, where did you come from? Go away. I have to meditate. My nose itches.
Breathe in. Can I rub your belly before you go though, Buddha? Oh wait, that's not an appropriate thing to ask someone I just met.
Breathe out. But wait, what a ridiculous concern - I didn't just meet Buddha. I'm having a stupid fake conversation in my head.
Breathe in. I'm supposed to be meditating, not second guessing and berating myself in imaginary social scenarios. I'm failing!
Breathe out. And now I'm double failing double because I'm doing negative self-talk too! Cognitive behavioral bullshit. Shitstick. Bullshit shitstick is a good tongue twister!
Breathe in. Bullshit shitstick, bullshit shitstick, bullshitizts...ick.
Open eyes. Scratch nose furiously. Sigh."

Frack. Total meditation fail.

If something like this happens to you when you try to meditate, the good news is that you're not alone. Lots of us smart and/or highly sensitive types are working on calming our inner monologues and reducing time spent moored in negative or unproductive thought swamps by practicing meditation. It's tough!

And I don't mean "practicing meditation" like "practicing medicine," as if you already have to be good at it to get good results. I mean it more like "practicing skateboarding" or "practicing trumpet."

You're going to majorly suck at it for a while, but so long as you actually practice, you'll gradually get better at it which will gradually yield the positive results that will continue powering up the motivation you need to keep practicing.

So what's the best way to get started?

1. Sit or lay down in a comfortable place. Close your eyes, and start breathing however you want to breathe. Just try to be relaxed about it.

2. Whenever you notice a thought pop up in your head, don't be mad. Popping up out of nowhere is what thoughts do for a living - trying to stop them is a fool's errand. Instead, notice the "popping up" of the thought instead of dwelling on what the thought actually is. Notice that it sprang into existence uninvited, not under your conscious control. Such is the nature of thought.

3. When your next thought arrives, as it inevitably will, enjoy gentle amusement over the fact that this thought, even if it is related to your previous thought, sprang unbidden up into your consciousness from the exact same place of non-existance that all of your thoughts originally come from.

4. Feel the freedom and calm that comes with knowing that these thoughts are simply a function of your brain existing and living. There is no "you" who is an omniscient puppetmaster over your own thoughts. The only things you DO have control over with each thought is whether you ride the emotional rollercoaster of additional thought branches it offers or not, or if you want to hold onto and repeat and rehash that thought for its emotional value or not. Some rides/emotions are worth riding, exploring, or repeating. Many are not. Practice not boarding any of these rides at all while you're meditating. Just watch them pull up to the boarding platform, and then watch them leave, while you remain perfectly still.

5. Repeat this acknowledgement and peaceful arms-length type of calm acceptance over and over, with every new or supplemental thought that appears.

6. Open your eyes or be finished whenever you feel like it. Sometimes that will be after 10 seconds, and sometimes you might accidentally end up falling asleep during your meditation. Don't worry. Whatever you've just done is a step in the right direction!