Oh, sounds pretty awful. But do not give up! Things will change and things will be better. And every day when things go as you want them to go, you get to do a victory dance and pat yourself on the back.

I kinda speed read your last sentences and some of the words never reached my brain.

Now back to drinking ...somethingsomethingsomething... painkillers.

...and thought, well this took a weird turn. But then realized as I was trying to get pass that with a joke, that it wasn't you, it was me. My fault.

Hang in there!