The Truth About Bottled Water

Just as I was adjusting to life with bottled nothingness water, something crazy happened to piss me off even more.

               

During one of the healer's lectures I attended, I learned that he considers water to be the primary cause of cancer in America - even before smoking. Imagine that, the number one cause.

I pondered how that could possibly be the case in a post-Erin Brockovich world. Didn’t we all see that flick and immediately discontinue tap water use? Some of us in favor of diet soda? 

            

Apparently we did. But that only compounded the problem.

What the healer explained that night is exactly what was confirmed in the news months after he said it - companies were bottling minimally purified junk (with more contaminants than our somewhat regulated tap water) and passing it off as clean.

We were duped, bigtime. Seriously, it's amazing that we don't give more money to the Nigerians. 

On the bright side, the revelation about water made me more optimistic that the solution lay in Diet Coke. I suggested this possibility to the healer via e-mail, but received no response.

During my next visit, however, he suggested a few options (unfortunately, all still related to water). First, a home countertop water filter that costs about $300.00. Or a deluxe under counter water filtration system that costs about $700.00. 

When I chuckled at these two options, he conceded that, if I had to drink bottled water, I could have real purified spring water from an artesian aquifer. Unfamiliar with the word "aquifer," however, I demanded that he name brands. 

      

So he did - Fiji, Costco and Whole Foods water, to name a few. 

I was dumbfounded by this response. 

Now Fiji water is expensive, but Whole Foods water is some of the cheapest around. I was dying to know what ingenious marketing tactics had caused him to come up with this arbitrary ranking.

“I tested them on people,” he said.

Oh yeah. 

I forgot who I was dealing with.