A life without desire is not as cracked up as it sounded.

I have been alone for most of life, as an only child it's been normal, comfortable, and peaceful. After my last relationship I decided that I needed to stifle desire, mainly physical desire, most of us will agree that it gets us more drama then we expected or ever wanted. Now that I've been single for five years and have successfully beaten desire, I see now that I have lost all desire. It seems that I barely enjoy things now, I'm without passion, desire, or love for the simple things I used to love.

Being single isn't the worst thing, as long as you can internalize and handle your own problems it's a breeze. Relationships for many are nothing more than a distraction so they don't have to focus on their problems. I see this all to often with my friends, they will be single for a week before diving head first into the next one. For me love is sacred, I will not give it away to anyone, I will not profess it loosely either. I'm an all or nothing kind of person too, be in it for the long haul or don't bother at all. This seems to bother a lot of women today, most that I meet don't want to commit to someone like me. I'm not sure why, but most say they just don't want anything serious. Then why bother at all I say.

Back to the point, I'm a reasonable pessimist, prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Using that, I limit my interactions and keep guarded. I usually need to know someone for about six months before I get to personal. This doesn't work well with relationships, everyone expects you to open up right away. Dumping your baggage on someone right off the bat is a terrible thing to do, take some time to understand one anothers personalities. You can accept a person's faults easier than you can accept the small things that annoy you. If you jump right in, the relationship will fail. You'll end up hating the way they eat, or cut their nails, or brush their teeth. The stupid things will ruin it all as sad as it is to say. So, meeting women that don't want a serious relationship but want you to open up right out of the gate seemed to be the worst combination for the same predictable outcome.

All of that brought me to cutting desire from me like an infected appendage. That wasn't the best idea. I find myself enjoying little, with desire for nothing. Now I have to figure out how to dig myself out of this very deep pit. If I could find a way to lose my desire, then I can figure out how to feel it once again. It may take another five years, but I will do it. I want to warn you all, never give up desire and passion even when you feel the world has beaten it from you. It is far easier to get rid of a slice of your humanity, then to try and rebuild it. I know that I am lucky, many people fear looking inward. I've had no choice but face myself being alone most of my life, internal control is the hardest to obtain. When you finally can, life makes a lot more sense. It helps be more empathetic and understanding, you'll find yourself helping random people for no reason. You'll be happy, because you've fought through the dark and takes those demons. And never ignore desire, the rest of life's spice will soon ignore you.