I'm Fat, I'm Tired, I'm Stale, and I Just Turned 38... So Here's What I'm Going to Do About It

in health •  2 years ago 

So here's the thing. Today is my 38th birthday. I think. (Doing the math... born in '79... it's 2017... yeah... 38) I just spend an hour looking at my self in the mirror stark freaking naked and can't help but shake the mental image of a can of biscuits that exploded.

I would say that I have let myself go, but to be truthful, I never really had it all together to begin with. I've had glorious bursts of productive activity in the past. I've been strong as an ox. I have even exorcised some of those old "I'll never be like those jocks" demons that I've carried since high school. But my actual self has never really reflected my ideal self. Between career, family, and Taco Bell, well, I'm flirting with 300 lbs and have had the thrilling experience of getting winded while putting on a pair of socks. (Thankfully I work from home and live on an island, so I don't usually wear socks.)

As I get older, and hopefully a touch wiser, I've come to the conclusion that thing that I call my grand canyon really sucks. My grand canyon is that place between who I know I should be and who I actually am today. They say it took 6 million years for the Colorado River to carve the Grand Canyon in Arizona. I dug this one in 38. (Mother Nature can suck it.) That guy staring back at me in the mirror... he is not someone I ever imagined I would be.

But it is me. Every doughy, paste colored millimeter, from the tips of my splattering of recently emboldened silver hairs to the end of the toes that I am just taking as an article of faith still exist, having gone unseen for a fortnight. It is me.

But this is the thing. The guy standing on the other side of the divide... that's me too. I am a spiritual guy, so some of my writing may whisper subtle homages to realms beyond the material. Man is a creator and imagination is the bold act of creation. For like God, man must create all things spiritually before he can create them physically. That guy standing way over there. I made him. He is as much the product of my actions as the specimen in the mirror.

So what? Well, I want to get rid of this canyon. I want to align the ideal with the real. I want the spiritual to find expression in the physical world. It's time to fill the canyon. One shovel at a time. I'm not really a universe vibes type of guy, and I think the "manifest" movement suffers a scientific control problem. But I do believe that a man, with a clear vision and a decisive plan can manifest the impossible. That canyon, in this moment, in my mind, is already filled.

So how am I going to do this? Rules. Just a handful of simple rules governing 3 areas of my life: Diet, Exercise, and Lifestyle. Nothing extreme, but a synthesis of everything I have studied regarding health and wellness and some deep introspection regarding what I can and cannot commit to. These rules are an amalgum of principles from Paleo, Keto, Intermittent Fasting, HIIT, Yoga, Crossfit, Ancestral Living, esoteric philosophy, and self-improvement movements. And yet, they seem pretty simple.

Here are the rules:


  1. No gluten.
  2. No sugar.
  3. No milk.
  4. < 50g Carbs/day
  5. Water only (Unsweetened Herbal Teas OK)
  6. Eat 2pm to 8pm.


  1. Morning: walk 2 miles
  2. Noon: 5 min. Full body stretch.
  3. Noon: 1+ burpee
  4. Afternoon: 20 min Nap
  5. Saturday Afternoon: 8 x 100m Sprints


  1. Morning: Wake 6 am - NO DEVICE
  2. Morning: 5 mins meditation - NO DEVICE
  3. Morning: 10 mins scriptures - NO DEVICE
  4. Night: 15 minute read anything - NO DEVICE
  5. Night: Bed 10pm - NO DEVICE

That is it. Simple. Right? Coming up with them was the easy part. I am not ignorant of the fact that lifestyle changes are not easy, especially with family. I think it would be pretty awesome if a few other guys would like to join me in this journey. Offering each other a bit of encouragement and putting together a little bit of accountability would be a marveouls thing. I will post regularly (but not religiously) about this journey, so please follow me!

I will be tracking my body composition here, if any of you would like to follow along.

If you would like a copy of the file I am using to track this, you can copy this google sheet.

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