Happiness is a choice, and sometimes a difficult one.
A week ago I believed the pieces of my life
had all fallen into place.
The puzzle was complete.
Wonderful kids.
A home I love.
A job I like.
And a man I adore.
That day that man told me that he was going to marry me.
And when I cried he held me and said "I know".
I've survived a bad childhood.
I've lived through an abusive relationship.
I've raised two children on my own,
after learning my husband cheated when I was just 4 weeks pregnant.
I don't think my story is the worst one out there.
Or that I don't have a million reasons to be grateful.
But I have known sadness,
and chosen to be happy.
I know the importance of getting back up after you fall.
I believe I am stronger for having fallen,
and am grateful to those who knocked me down.
Through it all I saw the good.
Healthy children.
Freedom to make choices.
Strength in moving on.
And HOPE.
A few days after this man promised his love,
he told me that he'd never wanted children
and would never love or like mine.
He asked me if I was ok with that.
No.
No, that is not ok.
And now,
now I will have to know forever
that I lost the man I believed I loved
because he rejected my children.
Right now... that's a lot to take on.
I'm redefining happy all the time.
I am heartbroken.
But I am looking for some happiness today.
I am happy that I did not promise myself to him
and that I am not a woman who would,
for a second, put her children - or herself - into that situation.
I am happy that I am not bound
into a relationship destined to be unhappy.
I am happy I didn't let him into our happy home.
I am happy that I still have hope
that there is a better man, for me, out there.
And I am happy that I believe
that I am also ok on my own.
I am happy that I believe in healing,
and that time is powerful.
And so today I will...
Hug my children.
Hold my coffee mug with both hands.
Say thank you to my dog as he stays especially close to me today.
Choose my favorite candy to steal from my kids' Halloween baskets.
Perform some random act of kindness.
Breathe deeply.
Understand I am hurting because I loved.
And allow myself to cry.