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RE: Mizu No Oto - Every Image Has Its Haiku - Edition #33
Hi Bananafish. Thank you for hosting a haiku event. Much appreciated. Here is my offering.
raised footsteps mark the way
tread with care
raised footsteps mark the way
tread with care
Welcome to Mizu No Oto! Sorry for the late comment, I had some issue with my Internet...
An appreciable attempt, but you should resist the temptation to create a sentence for each verse: the "movements" of a haiku should be only two, separated from the kireji
Thank you. I have been writing haiku, tanka, and senryu for a while. Years now. In English Haiku, it is more than acceptable to go beyond image and offer prose as long as pivot point and brevity are offered. Unlike with Japanese haiku, we are not using a symbolic language(kanji) and so it is not always effective to suppose such restraints on English haiku.
Thank you for your clarification. For English haiku in the contest, we try to follow mainly the works of Richard Gilbert, Keiko Imaoka, and Jane Reichhold, but we are in a constant research and desire to improve.
As I often say, I discovered haiku fifteen years ago, and I still feel like a beginner...
We are still learning. I approach haiku as an exercise in expanding consciousness, an attempt to see the world in a new way because of this haiku is often a work in metaphor. (what is often referred to as pivot would be the word like or as in English) When too much focus is placed on form then the 'aha' moment can be lost to criticism or restriction, affectation. Then why bother says I. The best 'rule' I have ever encounter is that haiku is contained within a breath. This gives flexibility to the creator but ensures brevity.
I am wondering though. If you wanted a more pictorial haiku why specify such a long syllable count? (perhaps it was only a suggestion, I cannot remember). If I may offer a more brief and symbolic version ...
a forest
hidden highway ...
soft footsteps
Of course, now, I have really given form the boot:)
Let me continue the conversation with my personal account.
When I write a haiku in English, I also prefer the 3/5/3 form (following Keiko Imaoka), but in 33 editions of Mizu No Oto contest I noticed many English speakers are used to think about haiku as 5/7/5.
I was needing some objective parameter, since this is a competition, in order to not leave judgment to purely emotional and subjective considerations. I know this is both a simplification and a schematisation of what a haiku could be, but I think it's inevitable if I want to keep a transparent contest.
On the other hand, we always accompany the contest with brief theoretical reflections on the aesthetic categories of haiku. These reflect my education on the subject, which starts with a study of classical Japanese haiku. This means that the setting of the competition is a bit special.
Regarding the metaphor and the "aha moment", these aren't concepts I often found in my studies. I think I understand what "aha moment" means in English language haiku elaboration: it's what I'm used to call shizen (I'm talking about it just in this post).
However, I disagree in using metaphors, or other rhetorical figures, in haiku, whose language should be immediate, sober, everyday and unadorned.
Also the concept according to which the haiku should be a metaphor of the human condition does not find me in agreement, since this in my opinion falls more in the concept of senryū.
Obviously I don't pretend to teach anyone, but it seems to me correct to let people know that, in the context of this contest, these settings of mine influence the judgment on the winners. :)
P.S. I do prefer your last, briefer, version :)
Thanks Marco for the many cues in this discussion, that you display with a humble and selfless attitude like a real fūryūjin. Every name you quote in your replies is not an attempt of authority but a sincere occasion for growth for all of us in this unique form of poetry. Thanks to you, the @bananafish offers something never seen on steemit.
The metaphor need not be about the human condition and I would agree that if it is, you would be better off considering it senryu. I generally feel haiku should incorporate nature in a wider sense.
When I speak of metaphor, I do not mean the use of literary devices ... the like and as is implied and should not be written. The 'aha' moment could also be delivered through double and multiple entendre. If you google haiku, they will talk about a juxtaposition of images or ideas (comparison/contrast).
I often incorporate more descriptive language in my haiku, ultimately because I think it works artistically and adds meaning without sacrificing brevity but also because of most people's expectation and understanding of haiku (nature, 5-7-5) But the more descriptive language is not there for its own sake ... ie the beautiful flower or lovely lake ... not that kind of thing. The word choice is deliberate. I have also taken to offering two forms of the same conceptual haiku. One 5-7-5 and one with more brevity.
I don't know that I like my second one more. It is briefer and mimics better a more traditional Japanese style. I think the first one is accessible to more readers. There is also a more meditative nature to it. The pivot is strong and it is not unnecessarily florid. The descriptive word was chosen to deliver kigo.
To the contest. Don't worry. Choose the 'ku that speaks to you. These things are personal. I don't make a habit of protesting contest results. I wasn't planning on protesting this one. I used to host a haiku writing day. I never would have wanted to judge it. That is never an easy thing. LIke I said, it is a personal thing and 'aha' moments are easily missed and neglected. I was just excited to find some other haiku enthusiasts but as you can tell my approach is a little looser.
But can I say ... I also think the 5-7-5 thing is an odd affectation.
Wishing you more happy haiku:)