WHAT IT"S LIKE TO RUiN AN EMPIRE- DIARIES OF A SITH

First off, I know I don't technically run the Empire. My boss does. But do you really think that old, shar pei looking, bastard does anything? Be honest. Does he even look like he can wipe his own ass? He sits there and scares people with his super charged, force driven, old man smell while I do all the real work. By the way, did you ever leave a bandaid on for too long? Maybe even go swimming with it on? When you take it off it is all pale and wrinkly. It also has quite a distinct and putrid smell. Well that is my boss's whole fucking body all the fucking time!

Anyway about running an empire. Let's take today's meeting as an example. Which took place on a god damn Sunday thank you very much! I'd like to do stuff with my family too... like hunt them down and kill them.

Ok back to the meeting. Should be a very straightforward meeting. It was with me and a top military advisor. We have just built the ultimate power in the universe (next to the force of course... stupid military dipshits). It can blow up an entire planet. Let that sink in. It can blow up an entire filthy, alien covered planet.

So of course I'm like BOOM! Let's bust this bitch out and take it for a spin! There are a ton of lesser beings I want to smoke.

So I asked my advisor, "We have this amazing weapon. Why can't we use it whenever are wherever we like?" His response was something like "Boo hoo hoo, I'm too soft and cuddly, I'm a wussy." And then he said "My Lord. It doesn't work that way". Fuck that! Bam! Force choke!

I called to my assistant, Vera who happens to be a delightful woman, to get me the next military advisor in line. He came in and yada yada yada I asked the same question, got the same stupid "It doesn't work that way" nonsense answer so I used the force to crush his stupid head between two crates that were laying around for some unknown reason. I happen to have great luck finding heavy shit just lying around waiting to be thrown with the force when I need it.

Vera sent in the third. She is a sweetheart. I readied myself and said "Before we get started, whatever you do, don't you fucking dare say the words 'It doesn't work that way' to me". "If you even think it, I will use the force to pull your ass over your head! And I'll know!" So I asked my question. The advisor, we'll call him "Chuck" nervously stammered "Well you see my Lord if we use this weapon, every planet is going to be outraged. Even the planets that like us will think we are completely insane. It will cause more of them to join the Rebellion and want to attack us. Plus the debris caused by the exploding planets will destroy nearby planets as well. You see the debris just doesn't stay in one place. Also, there may be innocent beings on the planets. We can't just kill millions of innocent beings. It's a really bad idea my Lord. The more we tighten our grip, the more star systems will slip through our fingers."

Well allow me to retort, "Well then, can't we just blow up all the planets?"

Chuck said "It doesn't work th...".

Lightsaber to the eye socket.

Conversation over.

So I guess I'm not blowing any shit up today.