Hello @kaysiewashere. This sounds like a loud cry from deep within you, a posted written scream. I won't say something trite like 'things will get better' because that is the last thing you will want to hear right now. It is hard when you are in the place you are in to be able to see any way out or an end to your pain. I know because I have been there.
All I can say is that the hardest thing we can do in life is to love ourselves. It is so easy to beat ourselves up with our perseved faults and to take on faults that we think others see in us. My personal philosphoy is that we are only here for this one brief period of the universe's total existence. We can either spend that precious time in self flagulation or break out, embrace the world along with all its blessings and yes, the pain, and move forward.
From what you have written It seems as if already recognise this and you have started on a long path to self discovery. I don't know your personal circumstances but if there is anyone you can reach out to it will make your journey easier. Failing that is there a group or something similiar you could get in contact with?
If you ever feel you need to talk, please don't hesitate to drop me an email (link here). I try to check my email once a day and will reply as soon as possible.
I hope you feel better soon and in the meantime just know that I am thinking of you in your pain.
Stay strong and keep saying 'fuck it'.
Thank you for your words of encouragement, you've helped me confirm my thought process in a sense. I feel as if I am handling things differently now, and that this part of the process is painful, but the pain is progress. Today I'm checking myself into a crisis center, I can feel it being an emotional exorcism. Though, I know that other aspects in my life will become more clear and beneficial after the process. I'm doing something for myself, and it's pretty non-crazy.
Good for you @kaysiewashere. Fingers crossed that all works out. Thinking of you.