Why Will I Stay?
Year 2020
We met just twice.
The day we met.
The day your sister invited me to ate lunch with your family.
We did chat but you only called me once in video call and it didn't last for an hour.
Then no chat or call for almost a year
Then contacted me again on October2021.
We've seen each other for 7 times.
First, Our date in Lucena - Oct. 22
I got sick after that 14 days quarantine that's why we didn't see each other..
Second, after my birthday in Alacob-Nov. 14 it lasted for an hour.. We just ate chit chat and so on
Third, Your off that day I ignored your chat then I went to your home to deliver something with your sister.. got there for just an hour.. we didn't talk that much..
Fourth, I treat you to unli lugaw well its rainy evening.. on our way to the place we got caught by the rain thats why we find shelter for a while.. one of the best with you... we just ate after then talk.. I don't know if you are serious with me..your talking about marriage that nanay giving you advice or something.. I don't know how to react anyway
Fifth was on your nephew's birthday I was invited to dinner..It's quite okay you seemed taking care of me.. you gave me glass of water..
You called me this time telling me to prepare na for dinner.(Nakakatawag pala siguro hindi lang ako lagi kausap.)
Sixth, was on christmas eve your family invited me to have dinner again with them.. that was a sumptious dinner... I don't know may be you're tired you drive me home early..
Seventh, New Year's eve.. Noche buena.. I don't know if you really to invite me or they just told you to invite me.. cause you just invite me around 6 or 7 in the evening.. and told me that you will fetch me around 9 or 10
Invited or not.. I prepared something of course for my family and of course i brought some also for your family...
I thought you will not come cause you came very late..I almost cried.. I'm disappointed that time..I thought you will never come.. You knew that I'm still mad at you... cause the day you went to get your car.. (hindi naman ako sasama.. you just give me some information.. hindi yung may aasikasuhin lang- you made me felt that I'm not belong to the future you want to create with me-it's a lie) You explained naman.. but I already got hurt na eh.. it will never change.
We took a picture together there much closer.. I don't were the picture is right now.. it's in your phone anyway.
The dinner and new year's celebration went well. Around 2 am you drive me home.. It's cold and you let me hugged you for a while.. that's a wonderful ride.. then a kissed on your cheek.. before I went inside our house..
Last year you just called me twice.. on your nephew's birthday and then the day I went with my family.. I don't know if I will believe you regarding the hardinera.. that will be one of the food for a future occasion with our family..
I remembered after we went home u didn't chat then we met in our municilal festive of lights.. we didn't take a picture cause u said that it will be display their for a long time pa..but its january and we didn't have picture there.
If someone will ask me if I would stay?
I would say NO..
I never felt so alone right now..
I don't know if I'm just demanding
If I'm not contented in your ample time that you're giving me right now.
To think that I'm just an option.
I can't enter into your life..
If I could run away right now I would..
I will not come back for you..
I can't find a reason to stay with you..
You don't have any plans for me to be in your future.. I can feel it..I don't trust your words anymore cause you just say words but it will never be an action..
We talk about pregnancy and you just told me that at my state (being fat with high sugar) Its difficult to have a child.. you will just waste an effort...
You can't kiss me in my forehead cause I'm sweaty..
I don't know why you don't hug me.. you justl told me I'm soft even you didn't touch me...
No holding hands..
Now, I doubt myself.. if someone will still love me.. before I'm confident.. I'm fine with myself.. but today I felt i'm broken.. really broken..
I questioned myself if I'm not enough?
Am I worth to be love by someone just being me...
You know being comfortable with myself..
Or do I need to pretend just to be loved?
Am I worth to be loved?.
When everyday you made me feel that I'm just an option.. and it is okay that I am ignored.
That there are days that it is okay that I will not be remembered... No chat or call
When you feel that you're in LDR when actually you are living in just one town and just in different barangay..
Am I wasting my time to someone?
This year I will have my baby.. and get married.. God will give it to me.. The man I don't know who he will be.. but in God's plan He already knew.
If only I could run away in my situation right now I would! I don't want to be in it anymore.. I love the family.. but I don't want to get stock with someone who never appreciates me!
GOD MAY YOUR WILL BE DONE!
FOR ALL THATHAS BEEN! THANK YOU LORD!
FOR ALL THAT WILL BE! YES LORD.
GOD IKAW NA PO BAHALA SA AKIN.. KUNG ANO MAN PO ANG IYONG NAKAPLANO PARA SA AKIN SUSUNDIN KP PO... DAHIL ALAM KO PO NA IKAKABUBUTI KO PO ITO.