3/23 Holy rant!

Ended up going to church last night and feeling better. Thursday night it was a good feeling, it was a closer knit ministry than I'm used to seeing. The Pastor was very alive an energetic and full of faith and radiant energy for all to share in and spread. I see it growing over the next few months. You can see for yourself on his site where he catalogs his sermons through vlogs at riseupoutreach.org. I've never been the religious type, far from it, lived the type of life where I was submerged in sin for years thinking my life was a music video and so vain I thought the songs were about me, but no. Can't say I didn't know better I just didn't care about what happened or the future because I was so stuck in the moment in the NOW in a haze. Everything was instant gratification and no remorse. No consideration for family or friends or loved ones. Easiest way to explain it the devil made me do it, but no. Why was I living like that, it became habit, thought I was invincible, greed, and always wanting more. I was a slave to the machine and wanted it all by any means necessary. I can think of a thousand excuses, drugs, alcohol, sex, money, women, media, society, anger, psychological complex, plain stupidity while thinking I was so smart, probably a combination of it all. I can think of more but the point is not one of those reasons is worth the bullshit that comes with it.

Old habits die hard but I've been doing my best to turn the corner and leave it all behind. I'm making progress in many areas of my life; family life, loved ones, friendships, business, taking my time to do everything and learning about new areas of interest. I still have issues I'm working on but my faith is growing that I will surpass all the hardships to get to where I need to be, and I'm learning what faith is all about when for so long it perplexed me and I had no inkling of what it meant or where it came from. It all starts with choices and believing in something greater than yourself. I once heard someone say, "I don't know what my higher power is, but I know its not me" and that resonated within me. He then said, "You have to nurture your connection with your higher power like you would with a friend, listening and spending time together, like a telephone conversation" That made it a bit more practical for me to understand. Now I'm not trying to preach here, mainly doing this for myself to get it all out, rereading what I write helps me, but if it helps anyone else then maybe I'm doing God's work unknowingly and I'm totally alright with that. I used to be God averse or spiritually dead, and whenever someone would start talking about either I'd hear them out of respect or not to be rude or but I wouldn't listen, instead the voices in my head would let off a barrage of, "wtf am I doing listening to this or reading this crap, this guy/gal doesn't know what life is about, they don't understand, etc.", but it was me who didn't understand, and was lost in the world.

God is where I can draw strength from when I am are weak, when I feel like a sloth with no energy or motivation, when I don't want to do anything but vegetate or have nothing to lift my spirits. It gives me the strength to do anything it seems. That's what I need now, more strength to conquer all the roads ahead. Feels like I've switched sides because the old road wasn't working apparently. I was miserable, constantly stressed, always upset, but most of all, it was empty inside. So I'm trying this out not sure where it will go but everyone deserves to feel hopeful during rough times but it has to be an honest change. I can't lie to God or myself, I already tried that and it doesn't work. I will get through this rough patch. So that I can be at peace and rest well.

I just went back and edited most of the "you's" for "I" because I'm speaking this to myself for positive reinforcement. I feel its more powerful that way. I have no problem sharing my thoughts because by verbalizing it, writing it, and rereading it, it becomes even more real. Funny enough this feeling reminds me of this acid trip I had years ago which lasted about 3 days, where I felt like I was so holy and all I wanted to do was help everyone with their problems and issues by listening to them and genuinely caring for their concerns and doing anything I could to help them. Well the feeling eventually faded and I went back to my regular pos self but the point is I never forgot about that experience and I'm glad I had it and actually got to feel like that even if just for a few days just for awareness purposes. I think I just had a flashback lol except without the acid which is very interesting. Alright Ill leave it there for now, until next time.

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