Jersey Shore Gets Goosed

{The following is a piece of satire that I wrote for FRED's Papers' November 4, 1999 issue. The amazing thing is that we received calls from the Geese Police. They were upset about the portrayal of their ineffectiveness in the article.}

Just turn on the television. Frogs are selling beer. Monkeys are spoofing movies. A Mexican Chihuahua talks to humans. The list is endless as horses, cats, deer and the like are becoming stars. However, where are the geese? M&Ms were even picked for commercials before geese. It has all been downhill since Mother Goose.

There are duck-crossing signs, but nothing similar for geese. Disney never thought of Donald Goose! Well, it appears that the geese are ready to take a stand and the Jersey Shore is their target. For years, the geese have always been attracted to the scenic shore. However, their population is beginning to rise. Local residents can't enjoy their parks or lakes because the geese have overpopulated these restful areas.

Geese have not only been seen crossing major roadways, but they have also slowed down traffic by walking in the same direction as the automobiles. A spokes-goose for the geese community stated, "I don't understand what all the fuss is about. I think the whole scenario is being blown out of proportion. The waters up north have long been contaminated and it is not a safe place to raise our young. Therefore, it's only natural that we migrate to a more pleasant surrounding." Well, that may be true, but how does that explain the Canadian geese that have been flying down here?

Many shore towns are fearful that an uprising is about to take place. With the geese population at an alarming rate, contraceptives don't appear to be the answer. As one member of the community put it, "it's just not natural."

The Geese Police also don't appear to be the answer. Many towns have contacted this organization for help, but the number of geese down the shore have risen over 25% within the last two months. It appears that certain members of the geese community have an inside connection with the Geese Police. Geese have been spotted chilling with collies, whom have been (up until now) a major weapon in reducing the geese population.

Because the geese aren't readily accessible to the tools needed to fight their battle, they have been finding what they need by rummaging through the local trash. Needless to say, this has made many squirrels angry. Harkening back to their Mother Goose roots, the geese have been obtaining a substantial education by reading the books they have pulled out of the trash. Some sources say that chemistry books are high on their list because they are searching for an antidote to combat the solution used by the Geese Police, which prevents their eggs from hatching.

Whatever the reason is, the geese are here to stay. They have been very resourceful, up until now. Maybe instead of fighting with them, we should figure out a way to coexist. Minorities have fought many years to gain the respect that they deserve. Why don't we use these lessons and make it easier for the geese?