15 signs of the gaslighting effect (emotional/ psychological abuse)

I was 23.

I didn't realise there were these types of people that the more that they masqueraded as being nice, the more they were hiding...

I believed he was the nicest person I'd ever probably met- stable, secure, not a bad boy at all.. A friend for 4 years- I had no suspicions he was anything but kind, wholesome and trustworthy.

I was 27.

I had 9 months old twins with him, by now, my partner of 4 years. My world fell apart- he had been hiding something very dark. Hopefully it was just stress. I would work harder to give him time off and be a better mother/ girlfriend.

I was 30.

An argument out of nowhere happened between him and my family whilst I was not present. I didn't speak to my mum for weeks, my siblings for years. I took his side. I severed relations with my family- he knew at this point I had no where else to go. Convinced I was "better off staying home", and that my family were crazy, I was stuck and trapped, in a foreign country, the abuse escalated.

I was 32.

I left him. I was broken. I didn't know who I was anymore. I wanted him back because I felt so dependent. If I could just prove to him what a perfect family we could be. How little stress and hassle I could be. How he would be making a mistake to give up on the family. He had little use for me anymore. He gave up on the kids to torture me further.

I was 33.

I met someone who happened to specialise in domestic abuse support... He said "you do realise this was ALL domestic abuse?"

I turned 34.

6 months of no-contact with my ex-abuser (who does not deserve the title of "ex-anything else" by the way) was the only way to step out and see what was happening. To understand I had been convinced I was the problem, when I had been anything but, in fact.

10 years of living in an unstable existence where daily I felt something was wrong but that it must have been me- as everything was ostensibly perfect? Why was I so selfish? He was SUCH a good guy. He provided and I was the only one that ever complained of unhappiness to friends...

Here are 15 signs of the gaslighting effect- (based on the work of Dr Robin Stern)...

1. Something is “off” about your friend, partner, son, daughter, mother, father, sister, brother, colleagues, boss, or other person in your life … but you can’t quite explain or pinpoint what.

2. You frequently second-guess your ability to remember the details of past events leaving you psychologically powerless.

3. You feel confused and disorientated.

4. You feel threatened and on-edge around this person, but you don’t know why.

5. You feel the need to apologise all the time for what you do or who you are.

6. You never quite feel “good enough” and try to live up to the expectations and demands of others, even if they are unreasonable or harm you in some way.

7. You feel like there’s something fundamentally wrong with you, e.g. you’re neurotic or are “losing it.”

8. You feel like you’re constantly overreacting or are “too sensitive.”

9. You feel isolated, hopeless, and terribly misunderstood.

10. You find it hard to trust your own judgment, and given a choice, you choose to believe the judgment of the abuser (in some way they present themselves as superior, more rational or more capable of an intelligent decision than you).

11. You feel scared and as though “something is terribly wrong,” but you don’t know what or why.

12. You find it hard to make decisions because you distrust yourself.

13. You feel as though you’re a much weaker version of yourself, and you were much stronger and confident in the past.

14. You feel guilty for not feeling the way you do. You no longer feel like yourself.

15. You’ve become afraid of “speaking up” or expressing your emotions, so you stay silent instead.