PlayStation Agony: Hooters Road Trip (2001, Hoplite Research)

modernzorker (66)in #gaming • 7 years ago

I didn't exactly have high expectations for a game based on PG-rated chicken wings, but holy shit, Ubisoft, what have you done? Hooters Road Trip not only failed to blow my socks off, but after five hours spent trying to win the world's most embarrassing road rally, I inexplicably found myself wearing several additional pairs. No game featuring this many scantily-clad women should ever result in me wearing more clothing than I started out with, but that's just an opening testament to how awful this PlayStation game really is. So microwave the dipping sauce and pop open a couple cold ones, I guess? It just gets uglier from here.

There's more action on this title screen than in the actual game.

Despite what you might think, unless I have previous first-hand experience with a game I'm playing for the purpose of writing about, I approach it with as much of an open mind as I can muster. I don't consult reviews from other sites, and I don't let pocket-protector-wearing lunatics influence me with their YouTube videos. Ideally I approach each new project as a tabula rasa, a blank slate onto which I shall carve opinions which are borne from my experiences alone. Now, I'd heard bad things about Hooters Road Trip before I took the plunge. Despite this, I tried to keep my low expectations in check.

This was naught but folly.

The opening FMV explains the whole experience will be "tacky yet unrefined," which honestly and forthrightly sets the tone for what's about to happen, and I wish I was joking, but no:

Hooters Road Trip, as the title implies, is a cross-country race against five other desperate wankers in a bid to see who can reach the next checkpoint the fastest. "Checkpoints" in this case being Hooters restaurants, an American institution built on the physiques of bustier-than-average woman wearing tight shirts, orange Daisy Dukes, and smiles that will melt your heart at ten paces. I am also given to understand they serve decent food, but my wife threatened to set my PlayStation on fire if I so much as looked at it in passing, so first-hand research on this is currently impossible.

First-person mode, giving you a spectacular view of the other driver's grill.

One cannot play Hooters Road Trip without feeling one's car is under the control of a drunk maniac attempting to slather on lipstick while simultaneously change into more comfortable shoes. Driving games should be wedded to the concept of tight controls; Hooters Road Trip's are so loose, Animal Control gets calls about strays every time you change lanes. While you have a dozen choices of vehicles, most of which must be unlocked and licensed for use on your main Road Trips, there doesn't seem much to distinguish them from one another except the different models. The game claims each has varying stats for braking, acceleration, and handling but this ain't Gran Turismo and you aren't going to notice. What you will notice is chronic over-steer no matter how cautious you are with the pad or how highly the car is rated for turning.

"The steering wheel came off in my hands, officer, I swear!"

It's comforting to know developer Hoplite Research spent as much time programming the AI for the other drivers as they devoted to the controls. Your bumbling redneck fratboy "racing" buddies have trouble understanding normal driving conceits like "shifting out of second gear" and "not repeatedly playing 'hide the tailpipe' with the pick-up in front of me". I assume Hoplite's "research" for their AI programming consisted solely of observing a Hooters parking lot at closing time.

Not even the rain can wash off the suck.

If you can't get the controls perfect or the AI to pose a challenge, the very least you should aim for is a game engine allowing for some spectacular wrecks should you swap paint with another driver. Hooters Road Trip laughs at such a quaint notion. The physics were clearly coded by someone who glanced at the introduction to a 'Dummies' book, said, "Nope," and returned it to the shelf. Ramming another car at 100+ miles per hour results in a little bounce effect and slight loss of speed, as though your car was constructed from Tupperware as opposed to steel and molded plastic. It's possible to take curves and use the roadside fence to help you corner. You can launch yourself off the road by hitting a hill at high speed, then brake and actually slow yourself down in mid-air. I know it's a game based on a restaurant where the waitresses are expected to meet sexual harassment with a smile, but for crying out loud, Burger King's Big Bumpin' cost one tenth of Hooters Road Trip's original $40 price tag, and it had a better understanding of the laws governing our physical universe. Of course, Big Bumpin' didn't have full-motion video of bouncy young women welcoming you to their neck of the woods either though so, you know, six of one, half-a-dozen of the other, I guess?

Pictured: Physics.

The final insult to this shameless cash-in's legacy is Hoplite Research's founder, Manny Granillo. Granillo got his start in the game business as a quality assurance tester for Electronic Arts. This man's job, for four years, was to play games and assess their faults. How does anyone with that much experience in the trenches let something as sub-par as Hooters Road Trip waddle out the door with his Executive Producer stamp of approval?

You know you're a winner when you get a postcard!

You know what would have made me respect Hooters Road Trip? Driving controls designed for use with one hand. That at least would have been a hilarious nudge-and-wink to everyone that the developers understood exactly what sold you on this over a copy of Gran Turismo or Ridge Racer. Shit, I'd have forgiven every one of this game's sins like I was it's own personal lord and savior, and traveled the planet extolling its virtues to anyone who would listen, because I'd know the developers were in on the gag and recognized the absurdity for what it was.

Then again, this is considered a prize...

Somehow, despite completely shitting the bed with Hooters Road Trip, this story doesn't end in nothing but doom and gloom. Hoplite redeemed itself on a different licensed property in 2015 with the WiiU release of Space Hulk, a title set in the Warhammer 40k universe and derived from the popular strategy board game.

I was just kidding about that whole 'driving with one hand' thing, by the way. My readers are far more sophisticated than that, as you all should know by now. In fact, you guys are really the best readers that I could, uh, that I could...um...