How to fail financially

in funny •  8 months ago

Tired of hearing about ways to improve your financial life? Tired of people telling you what to do? You can't save 10 million in a year like everyone else? Congrats sounds like you're well on your way to financial despair. To help you I've collected some of the best tips to remain in financial failure and never make it.

Start by not giving a crap

The best way to improve your chances of financial failure is to disregard financial stuff altogether. I know it is hard, given that we live in society, in which you are taught to work and they give you money for it. The constant income generated by your willingness to work can make you believe that there is no way to get rid of all the money you make. Thousands of dollars every month? How do you get rid of them? Luckily the answer as so many other people have noticed is: disregard the need to save it. Just don't think, you'll be able to get rid of it quicker than you think.

The best places to get rid of your money are using it on crap you don't need and services which are above your pay grade and not necessary

Sometimes it might be hard to find the next useless item you can buy. You already have 20 pairs of shoes, which all cost $100-200 a pair. What kind of shoes can you still get? I know, many people have this issue, but the answer is simply to buy more similar shoes. It doesn't matter if the only thing that changes is the color. As long as you spend the money, you will be a step closer to financial disaster.

Tired of walking to the shop? Take a taxi. That is the best option for loosing money anyway. The longer the ride, the better. Don't take the taxi with friends, because your friends might offer to pay. But if you have to, pick them up at their place. Once you're at the shopping center, it is actually best if your friends are with you. Social pressure will help you spend the money on useless items. You're friends will help point out the stuff you never need.

The best thing about shopping centers is that you can buy $5 coffees. If you start to calculate, $5 coffees will quickly amount to $50. You only need to buy ten of them. Now $50 might not sound like much, but if you can buy them every month, you'll be spending $600 a year on coffee alone! That is only coffee! Imagine how much you can spend by also going for lunch!

Shopping centers are not the only places you can spend your money effectively

Just look around you, you have hair saloons, nail polish studios, solariums, just to name a few. Going to those places at least once a month will guarantee that you'll spend all your money. But if by some chance you still aren't loosing enough money, fear not. You can always go to a bar. Alcohol will help in clearing your head about all the calculative stuff, so when you buy three $5 drinks, it'll be way easier to buy a few more. You can even buy something more expensive and loose anywhere from $20-200 a night! And when you're at it and you notice you're successful for this month, loosing all your income, you can help next month buy taking some quick loans with insane interest rates. So when you spend your next $5 it will actually be $7.

So far I've only talked about the obvious ways, but there are more subtle ways also

By always living on rent, you can spend maybe a fourth of your income each month. It doesn't matter if you remain in the same apartment for 10 years, you can still pay as much rent as you'd be paying for buying your own house in increments. This is by far one of the best ways. Although, be careful, some people actually say you can earn money by living on rent. But you don't have to worry about this because you're not gonna be so stupid as to invest any money.

Financial despair come quite easily if you put your mind to it

As you can see, you don't have to do that much to effectively get rid of all your money.

DISCLAIMER: This is definitely a joke. No one should want financial despair. But I wanted to turn things around and show how stupid financial decisions sound when you put them in the form of apparent advice. Hope someone got a laugh out of this. And I do apologize if this somehow gets under someones skin. It is supposed to be a bit over the top. Hopefully no one actually does this.

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Sorry I missed this earlier - great sarcastic post :D

I love it

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Thanks :) I'm enjoying writing these "how to fail" -posts. Will probably write some more when inspiration strikes again.

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