I'm going to share with you some of my best tips for instant success on steemit. Be aware, these aren't what you expected to hear! These controversial realizations might make your world spin. Get ready to be dumbstruck by the shear simplicity of it all. Why am I not an instant success you might ask? Well, I should definitely follow my own instructions!

Image reference: http://maxpixel.freegreatpicture.com/Optimism-Enjoy-Optimistic-Positive-Motivation-Live-1402852

1. Start on some other platform

By now you've probably noticed how hard it is to actually get noticed on steemit as a new writer. Well let me, let you in on a secret: you shouldn't be a new writer when you start on steemit. Actually, you shouldn't even be starting on steemit without having built your following on another platform! Since steemit doesn't feel like promoting people who try their best, it is better that you don't start here on steemit. For instant success on steemit, it is best if you write for say a few years on established sites like blogger or wordpress. Or if you are into making videos on youtube and can gain a following doing that, because of your good content, then by all means, drag your whole following base here on steemit. The larger you following base, the larger the chances someone on steemit already follows you on other platforms and can start voting your posts when you get here.

2. Be famous in real life

So you're famous? Great, that is just what steemit needs! Someone who made a sex tape or pretended to be good in business to make it very high in places! These are the kind of things that will guarantee you a smooth ride once you touch down on the surface here. Whatever your reason for being famous, we won't judge, as long as you bring in some fans and or even potential ones, you can be sure to get a yuuuuge piece of the pie here on steemit. So what are you waiting for? Create a profile on steemit and come take your rightful share from the hardworking beginners and established steemians alike.

But there's one bump on the road. You'll actually have to verify that you're famous. I know that might be deal breaker to many famous people, so hopefully you'll reconsider after your initial reaction...

3. Get introduced to the community by a whale

Have no skill, but your neighbor is huge on steemit? No problem, just ask him or her to write a post about how you're new and all and should be given a warm welcome to the community! If you're actually familiar with the person who is supposed to introduce you to the community, then the chances are they can actually tell something good about you while introducing you. But fear not, even a meaningless introduction will do just fine when it comes to steemit. Depending on the size of your whale friend, you might get anywhere between 100-1000 steem in the beginning, but don't get sad about that. Now that you've been introduced you'll have followers who will upvote any shit you can come up with for the chance of making some dough.

The catch here is, you'll actually need to write your own introduction post where you say "Hi, my name is * fill in your name * and I'm new to steemit." If that part is challenging, you're always welcome to copy paste the sentence I created for you. Just remember to change your name in the field between the stars.

4. Make an introduction post, don't forget to be born pretty!

If you can't find someone to introduce you, don't worry, you can introduce yourself! Just like we practiced above, you can either get creative or use the sentence I provided above. It is best to come up with another sentence when doing it this way. The most important part, however, is to be pretty. What does that have to do with anything? Well, the trick is to take a picture of yourself. If you're not pretty, a picture of a friend will do just as well, just don't tell anyone. This way you will be able to get a lot of up votes, because you say you are new and you have a picture which has a pretty person in it. So obviously the more pretty people steemit has, the better the chances for it to succeed in the long term. Yeah, I can imagine you're thinking that you're not that great at photography. Well don't worry as far as the selfie or whatever you decide to post is good enough for the prettiness to be visible, it'll do just fine.

5. Get naked!

Along the lines of the last post, getting naked is also a viable option to gaining some momentum! This doesn't need to be an introduction post, but I think it helps if you're pretty. I know I'm quite the thing naked, but something tells me that being a guy and all, the reaction I would spark wouldn't quite be the one I might be aiming for. Unfortunately, this goes for many other people who identify as male also. This is a sensitive subject so I think I'll leave this here for the porn industry and its supporters to figure out.

6. Get lucky!

Finally, you can always get lucky! This is the most simple thing. All you have to do is post something random and wait. Maybe a whale will notice you and vote you, another whale might do the same, and when you have three whales voting you you've pretty much gained instant success, because most of us never get more than one whale vote.

7. * Bonus * If all else fails, forget quality, go for quantity!

I decided it was important to give a heads up to people who don't really figure they can accomplish any of the above. There is luckily another way, quantity! So don't worry about writing anything important or meaningful, lots of other people don't do that either. Worried that you don't contribute anything good to the community? Forget that, just start posting. Post a picture of the grass, write about the time you did nothing, maybe even copy paste a few thousand posts from other people, by the time you hit 100 000 useless posts, you should have made a meaningful amount of money. Just remember, don't get caught or criticize anyone specifically, because that might get you down voted! Getting down voted means that you'll have a harder time posting useless stuff the next time.

Tip for the tech savvy: make 1000 bots, they can all post something along the lines of "Cool psot! I'll folo You! Folo Me!?" Once your bots have posted a million times, you should have about 1000 steem on altogether since someone will always give you an up vote. Also, don't forget to make your bots vote on your other bots posts. That way you double the chances of sometimes getting a penny for your troubles.

Disclaimer

Ok, those of you who are extremely sharp, probably already noticed, but this post was supposed to be funny. Hopefully you enjoyed it and was only slightly insulted, because being hugely insulted wouldn't be a nice thing. Also, please don't follow any of my instructions, other than maybe... no never mind ;)