Why the Fuck Should I Watch ESCAPE PLAN 2: HADES

Why the fuck should you watch “Escape Plan 2: Hades”?
• You like movies that are 96 minutes long.
• You are a masochistic person and you need your self-torture dose of today.
• You watch anything that has Dave Bautista in it.
• You…hmm, damn, I’m really scraping the bottom for these here.

"Escape Plan 2: Hades" is a prison break movie, starring Sylvester Stallone as a prison break specialist. It’s a sequel to a 2012 movie “Escape Plan”, where we finally saw Stallone and Arnold (yees, the one and only, sexy muscular, Arnold Schwarzenegger) in one movie together in the lead roles. The first one was a nice and quite smart movie, with a satisfying surprising reveal in the end.

Now, let me tell you, what the sequel DOESN’T have. 1) Arnold 2) watchable camerawork 3) suspense 4) A director who knew, what he was doing 5) The idol of all men – Arnold Schwarzenegger. Yes I said Arnold twice, what’s you gonna do about it, ah!? Thought so.

This movie doesn’t go under a category “so bad it’s good”, because it still tries to be a smart slick action-thriller, that it’s clearly not. All, and I mean ALL the action-scenes are ruined by the shit shaky cam (let’s call it shitcam from now on). The CGI effects look like 2 decades old. No wait, even worse! Because "The Matrix" is almost that old…damn, I have no words.

Well, it has some good things also: 1) Dave Bautista – charismatic 2) Zookeeper character – utterly evil 3) Acting – good, if the camera stopped the fucking shaking for a second and I got to see it finally.

Hades is an Ancient Greek God, but the name means “The Unseen One”, and it’s actually fitting – this move should be the unseen one, so fair play to Stallone - he keeps it honest.

Why the fuck you shouldn’t watch “Escape Plan 2: Hades”?
• You have read all the thefilmcritic previous reviews and by now you trust me deeply.
• You escaped from a prison on the last Monday and you think it was easy.
• You are Persephone and think that, since you are the queen of the Underworld, YOU should have been in the title, not Hades, because it’s time for strong female character names in movie titles.
• You are hungry. Go make a sandwich. Don’t worry, you won’t miss anything.