Today I had a memory come up on facebook that makes me laugh every time I think about it. It was mortifying at the time, but I can look back on it now, blush purple, and laugh. I am not known for my grace and poise, so stories like these, I have in droves.

Let's set the scene:

I had gotten out of a long and tumultuous relationship of four years, it was a really hard breakup and left me quite raw. My ex had made an OkCupid account within 24 hours of the breakup and as a "OH YEAH?!" I ended up making one myself. I spent most of my time looking over profiles and being blase about the whole situation.

Well, one day, as I opened the app to check to see what really, really gross messages I had gotten THAT day, a familiar face popped up as a suggested match. Lo and behold, it was my ex with a 99% match.

At that point, I heard a fuse blow in my brain and decided that, screw it... I am going to go ahead and actually look at the wide array of men available in my local area seriously. Maybe take one for a test spin. Or at least go out for a couple drinks and see what that was like. I hadn't actually been on the dating scene in somewhere around 8 years. So I started saying hi to some people that tickled my fancy.

I had a couple conversations that led nowhere.

A couple that led to seeing far more penis pictures than I had wanted or asked for.

And some that were downright frightening.

After wading through the knee deep tide of shit posts personified, I finally came across one that didn't attempt to waggle his dangle bits at me within the first 24 hours.

• He was handsome!

• He was funny!

• He was smart!

• He was nerdy as hell!

• He had a dark and morbid sense of humor!

Just ticking boxes left and right, this guy.

So when it was proposed that we should go out for some drinks and have a good time, I was skittish but totally down.

We met up at a local bar and had a really great time. The conversation flowed with ease, we laughed a lot, he was really well mannered but delightfully crass. As the night wore on, we decided to invite some friends out to join us so we could alleviate a little of the pressure to keep talking solely one on one.

As we relaxed and our friends mingled, he got a little touchy-feely. Running his hand through my hair, tugging firmly but playfully, running his fingers down my back. By that time the bar was closing down so we bid farewell to our friends and headed out.

I was totally getting some possibly-more-than-just-buddies signs, right? Maybe?

Well, since we both had work in the morning, we decided to turn in and talked about doing it again soon. We both had a great time.

He drove me back to my place. On the drive I quietly popped a mint in my mouth just in case, and got myself ten kinds of nervous. I looked over at him and kind of pumped myself up. We parked the car and made some idle chit-chat, the awkward "I don't know what to say" at the end of the night.

He opened his arms for a hug so I leaned over the middle console of the car and embraced him. It was tight, and warm, and comforting. He made a little "this is nice" grunt and sigh. I mustered my courage, I gently turned my head to him, and lightly put my lips on his.

I was met with resistance.

He was tight-lipped and it was almost a scowl against mine.

I recoiled.

"I don't feel that way about you." - my "date"

I tried to make a hasty getaway. I was horrified. So horrified. I released the seatbelt and turned to bail out of the car as fast as my fat ass could move.

That was when I realized that my waist-length hair had been caught into the seatbelt and as it retracted, it sucked my hair into the wall of the car.

FUCK. I was stuck.

I sat there in abject horror and defeat. I could feel his eyes boring into the back of my head as I struggled to detangle myself, hoping I could fix it quickly. But I was good and well adhered to his car.

I whispered "I'm... I'm stuck... please... help."

The man that just rejected me had to come to my rescue. That was the most awkward three minutes of my life while he struggled and cursed, pulling the belt and easing my hair free.

In my mind, I was under the biggest rock that has ever existed. Especially when I was finally free of the car and awkwardly stood in the driveway, giving a half-hearted wave as he started his car.

Until that night, I was unaware that cars could go so fast around a cul-de-sac.

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