NOTE - This is not my own work, and payout is declined for this post
Yes, I do have a sick sense of humor, why do you ask?

200 Monkeys

The pet store was selling them for 5¢ a piece. Can you believe it? I thought it odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth, and I bought 200. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car, and there was room for all my monkeys. I let one monkey drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really very bright. They kept punching themselves in the junk. I laughed til my belly hurt. Then they punched me in the junk. I stopped laughing.

My genitals had stopped throbbing by the time we reached my home and, I herded them monkeys into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Do you suppose monkeys in the wild run around hurling themselves off of sofas and smack dead into walls? I laughed til my belly hurt. Although humorous at first, this spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so cheap: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Or you know the kind of goldfish you won at the fair when you was a kid, and it died and you cried your self to sleep thinking you would go to hell cause it was your fault that the goldfish died, and you thought to punish your self by punching yourself in the junk till you passed out from pain. Well I didn't feel this way about my monkeys, even though I missed them something terrible. I knew there was something awry with these monkeys when I first bought them. I mean who ever heard of 5¢ monkeys, any old way. Damn cheap monkeys.

I sure was in a jam. I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. How does one dispose of 200 hundred dead monkeys, when your done playing with them? I thought I could take them to the park and pass them out to children, or set up a Dead Monkey Booth at the mall. But I really didn't feel like hauling dead monkeys around.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to stink real bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed. How do you explain that to the plumber?

I tried to stop the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire, and I had had to pee for some time so that wasn't to much of a problem.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred and urine soaked monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving. I had to open a window and turn on the fan.

I got mad at my inability to dispose of my monkeys. My anger got the better of me and I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

I put them in the trash but the garbage man said that the city wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they liked them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates! After all I went through to get these gifts and their going to act like that. So I punched them in the junk. Then I laughed till my belly hurt.

I wish I could remember where I got this. I like this story a lot. I used to post it on my Facebook a lot. Then my friends got angry that I kept posting a story about dead stinking monkeys. So I punched my friends in the junk