Adventures In Evil Zombieland Episode 13 Presidential Selection Mind-controlled Death Cult Edition

 In this edition, our protagonist must use all his mental powers to get through Zombie Mafia Puppet election day.
 

It didn’t dawn on me when I first woke up that morning.  I live in reality and ignore all of the puppet wrestling matches put on display every four years to appease the zombies.    

I sat down next to my laptop with a cup of organic coffee, some fresh-squeezed organic juice, and some peanut butter and banana pancakes.  I damn near spilled coffee and destroyed my laptop when I checked the morning headlines and was given a rude awakening.    
 

 Zombie Mafia Puppet Election Day!
 I took a deep breath and started loathing.  Absolute worst day of the year.  I considered going back to bed and burying my head in pillows all day.   
 

No, when hell gives you lemons, make lemonade.  I decided to confront the zombies and pummel them with truth punches.    
I pounded another couple cups of organic black liquid fuel and set off on my epic walkabout.   

The first thing I saw when I stepped out the door was my zombie neighbor.  He’s so deep under mind control that sometimes I think he already has a brain chip, but I can’t prove it.  Anyway, he gave his customary fake, goofy grin and said, “Hey, neighbor! Today’s the big day, huh?”

I cringed and replied, “That depends on who you ask, I guess.” I paused for a second and pondered my next move.  I decided to go ahead and ask the obvious.  “Why is it the big day?”
 He gave a trendy giggle and shook his head and said, “You’re funny.  It’s election day, ya silly goof! You crack me up!”

My next comments made him have second thoughts on that statement. “Oh, wait, that’s right! Today is the day that irresponsible, lazy, zombie coward slaves choose a new puppet! Who are the two psychopathic stooges the social engineers put on the flickering psychological warfare box for you to choose from? Wait, that’s right.  Donald Banano and Killary Gambino! So, dear neighbor, may I cordially ask which psycho-puppet mafioso you’re voting for? I suppose the one who you think is less evil, right?”

He frowned, fumbled looking for his keys, and quickly got into his car.  We were on the verge of such a great conversation, and he just ran away! Oh, well.   

As I drove my way out of the burbs, I noticed signs in almost everyone’s yard promoting their death cult leader of choice.  A picture of that filthy clown Banano, with a charlatan grin plastered on his face, and the slogan “If we build it, they won’t come.” Good grief, who is naive enough to actually think that oozing lump of flesh cares about them? Another picture with Gambino’s vulture face and those demonic eyes next to her slogan “For The Common Good”.  I nearly vomited. 

 I arrived at my unimpressive office fashionably late and my employer made sure I was aware of the sacrilege.  “You’re late,” he rumbled callously.    

 “I know, I have a great reason.”
“What’s that?”
“I hate my mundane job, slaving away for federal reserve peanuts, and am considering quitting and moving into a dark underground tunnel.”

“Again?” he asked with mocking concern.  He rolled his eyes and continued, “And here I thought you had a good excuse, like you voted early.”
“Just to be clear, I would never do that.”
“Why not? Look at Captain Brownnoser at his desk over there.  Not only did he vote early, but he got to work early, too.  He has ambition.  Why can’t you have more ambition like Captain Brownnoser?”

“I have ambition to live in a free society where everyone has equal rights under Natural Law, which is more than I can say for you thoughtless borg voter numb-skulls.”
“We do live in a free society! That’s why we have the right to vote!”

“Making a legal declaration that you give a lying, gibbering puppet clown power over you does not mean that we live in a free society, by any stretch of the imagination.  Why would I give my consent to have some bankster-funded control freak boss me around and steal my slave wages?”

“Whatever.  Boy, you’re really on a roll today.  Stay late today to make up the time you missed, ok?”
I started walking towards the door and he called out, “Hey, where are you going?”
“I’m taking an early lunch.”
“You just got here, and it’s only 10, ya lazy schmuck!”
“I’m taking an early, long lunch.”
 “I hate you!”
 

I looked back at my zombie employer as I opened the door and yelled,  “Thanks.  That’ll make it easier to quit in the future!”

I went to a diner a couple blocks away to have another cup of liquid motivation.  I sat down at the counter and my usual waitress approached.  She was wearing an “I voted” pin.  Damn, do I hate those pins.    
 

“Cup of coffee, please.”
 “Coming right up.  Exciting day, huh?”
 “It will be exciting if I have the balls to quit my job.”
 “Did you vote yet?” 

 “Absolutely not, and I’m not going to.”
 She looked at me with a disapproving look that a mother gives when she scolds her child.  “It’s your duty to vote, ya know.”
 

“Number one, I signed no such contract obligating me to vote.  Secondly, it’s not anyone’s duty.  Lastly, and most importantly, why would I want to give approval to have a psychopath head up a gang of order-followers to violently control me?”

 “What? I don’t get it.  Who’s violently controlling you?”
 “The mafia called government.”
 “Wow, that’s a little extreme, if ya ask me.”
 

“Truth is extreme.  So is freedom.  The truth is that voting is part of a restriction on freedom because it condones violence.”
 “Well, I’m not sure I agree with that.”
 “Universal laws don’t care if you agree with them.  They will effect you regardless of belief.  Voting is immoral and restricts freedom because it condones violence. Period.”

She sighed, dropped the check on the counter, and walked away.  I chugged my sub-par, expensive coffee, sighed, looked at the time, and sighed even deeper.    

I took a walk later that afternoon and passed by an electronics store with flickering social engineering boxes in the display window.  There was a crowd of zombies about three deep.  They were all craning their necks to get a glimpse at their matrix update from the machines.    

Out of sheer morbid curiosity, I decided to take a look.  The big-headed brash psycho in the red tie was holding onto a slim lead.    
 A plump, GMO-fed, vaccine filled zombie next to me turned and said while shaking his head, “Man, if that guy gets in, we’re up the creek without a paddle. I can’t believe anyone in their right mind would vote for that guy.”
 

 “I don’t know why anyone in their right mind would vote.”
 “Why do you say that?”
 “How long have you been voting?”
 “I dunno, maybe twenty years.”
 “And in that span of time, has society in general or your life in particular improved?”
 

He looked unhappy and confused when he answered, “Well, no, I guess not, not really.”
 “Then voting obviously has no positive effect, so why would anyone do it?”
 “Well, I dunno.  I never really thought about it.” 

“The fact that you don’t think is abundantly clear.  I’ll give you another little tasty tidbit.  The so-called president doesn’t really have any power.  He just follows orders from his bankster bosses.”
“What’s a bankster?”
“I’m leaving.  You should go read a book.”

Later that night I check the news online to see what Crime Boss In Chief the morons have supposedly elected.  I see pictures of a triumphant Donald Banano grinning malevolently and kissing babies.  I sigh deeply and weep for humanity, or what’s left of it.  I can’t help but wonder what things could be like if only those zombies wouldn’t vote.  What would happen if everyone just stayed home?