Parma Police

“The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.” George Orwell, Animal Farm.

Bacon, sausages, black pudding and fried eggs. The breakfast of champions I heard someone say once. Surely he was referring to the throwing of darts. I have always felt a little guilty about eating meat due to the moral issue of whether the animal in question has suffered or not before being slaughtered. With Karma in mind, let's consider factory farming, a brutal and destructive chapter in modern times. Due to the suffering that many animals must endure before ending up on our plates, I've often wondered about the possibility of reincarnating as our favourite animal, bird or fish supper.

The Parma Police are on the hunt for those of you seen scoffing your faces with the meat from abused pigs, caged chickens and cows who spent the majority of their lives knee deep in their own excrement. Eating local sustainable meat could offer you respite with the chance to return to an idyllic location such as Patagonia with some space to stretch your legs. Of course the jackpot would be to return as one of those sacred cows in India. I heard it's really hot but at least you won't get murdered. The dark alternative points to a life of misery on a factory farm where suffering is the order of the day.

I like the thought of Patagonia. One day while chewing away on the green grass of Southern Argentina, word filters through that there's cows over in India who are living the high life. Cow word has it that these fellas are considered 'lucky charms' to the Hindu's. You and your docile mates can only moo along the plains of Patagonia at the injustice of it all. Envying the sacred cow in India and his ghee producing wonder life. All those fast food burgers in your previous life don't seem like such a great idea now as the gaucho whips your hide down in the Andes. 'Andale Andale' he screams. Superb scenery but you can't escape the fact that you will be sliced open any day now while this toothless hired hand tans your arse. What is this guy's problem? Always in a bloody rush. Such lovely mountains.

Some of us will inevitably end up on the very farm our old human selves used to toil on but this time as a pig. Your surviving relations are working away each day oblivious to your endless whines for central heating in the shed and a hot bath. Your daughters are inside the warm kitchen eating scones and drinking tea. 'Tommy' one of them shouts from the kitchen, 'Will you have a cup of hot tea and a lovely warm scone?' 'By Jayzus', I will' says Tommy as he leaps from the tractor and heads for the cozy fireplace and his mid-morning snack. You are left there freezing your poor little hog balls off in the cold. Your forlorn whines screech across to the farmhouse as your son Tommy heads briskly for the warm kitchen. 'Tommy, ya little shite. It's me Tommy, your father for feck sake, bring me in for some tea and scones will ya?'. Tommy parks himself on a chair outside the farmhouse front door. As he removes his dirty wellies over the backdrop of the whining pig, he remembers his father Paddy, 'Jayzus, that pig, he's worse than Paddy with all his whinging'.

Spare a thought for Paddy the pig as he ponders his fate at the abattoir. Next time your mouth waters at the prospect of a fry-up or a steak, consider if you want to spend your next life at the factory farm being force fed crap and standing knee deep in your own shite before the inevitable slaughter or would you be better off roaming the vast Patagonian heartlands breathing in the fresh air and finally honing your Spanish skills. Perhaps the vegetarians among us will have the last laugh and return as the big tail swinging cows of Mumbai while listening to Mozart out in the lawn and producing a little yoghurt and ghee now and then for the neighbours. Nothing too stressful anyway. Folks it could be worth your while to check out how the animals that end up on your plate are treated before their day of reckoning arrives. It's better to reject the meat that comes from factory farms. The Parma Police are watching.

Ps: You will be happy to know that Paddy the Pig escaped death has been recently promoted to Sargent. He is chuffed to bits especially seeing as he's got heating in the shed and he now takes a hot bath once a week. Well done Paddy.
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