Never give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping. haha...

Alcohol won't solve your problems, but It can give you an interesting set of the new ones.

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

I don't have a short attention span, I just... Oh, look a squirrel!

I always arrive late to work, but I make up for it by leaving early.

The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."

Don't let an extra chromosome get you down.

When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my first child.

Let your smile change the world. Don't let the world change your smile.

New Year's Eve forecast: Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.

hahahha