Okay, so I'm guessing you're probably sitting there, relaxing, reading the freshly pressed edition of hustler whilst giving some pump action to those right arm muscles. I'd like to take a moment of your time and steal you away from giving the local bishop a bloody nose to talk about how you really should start looking for a partner to spend your life with. Relax your arm, put the Jazz mag down and eyes forward, face front for a couple of minutes whilst I run down some of the best tips for finding that amazing partner that will undoubtedly transform your life.

Firstly!

First and foremost, you're going to need to work on your confidence. Nothing says take me to bed more than a man that can stand tall and walk the walk with his chest out. There's no time for all that shitty hobo gypsy touchy-feely emotional stuff that will actually help, though, so grab the nearest bottle of vodka and down the lot, grab your coat and high tail it to the nearest bar. Once you're settled in at your favourite bar then look around constantly for all the hottest women. Remember, only approach hot women, anything under at 10 won't be worth your while, you have standards after all! Spotted her yet? Grab her attention by consuming every fleshy detail of her body; make sure she notices you doing that because that turns women on faster than a night under the sheets with 50 Shades of Grey.

If by some divine intervention you decide to give her the attention that she has been craving it's always best to go right in there and start talking about yourself. The more, the better. Women are fantastic listeners and love to hear about ALL of your issues. It's okay if she wants to talk about herself, I mean, you’re drunk, you'll have forgotten about it tomorrow anyway. Remember and make sure that you don't give her the impression that her feelings actually matter to you, you really don't want her to think you're a person that gives a shit, right? Also, keep one eye on the lookout for any hotter females around so you can quickly divert your efforts elsewhere.

Get 'er done!

Once you have finally settled with your catch of the day take her back to your place for a full ten minutes of extra hardcore sex, 15 if you're pushing it. Remind her how awesome that she was for making you ejaculate so quickly and give absolutely no thought to how her 15 minutes of passion were. Women don't like sex. It's a gift solely for us men to engage in. I doubt she'll be wanting to talk after that so roll over and fall fast asleep.

If by sheer miracle you enjoyed the experience with another woman you may want to try it again. I bet when you ask her out for a second run she'll be absolutely honoured that you took the time to ask her. Make sure that every time you see her you keep that Vodka bottle close, can't be having her thinking that you lack confidence. Also, dress like a hobo. Women pretend to like clean guys in freshly cut suits but what they are actually saying to you is that "I like a man that is comfortable" that also extends to wearing the shit-stained boxer shorts you've had on for a week and a half.

In for the long haul. Don't fret

After a few months of dating your bad ass she's probably ready to move in with you. This is a BIG deal. Don't take this decision lightly. Keep uhmming and ahhing, and talking about your friends, your free time, and the responsibility. All that indecision is sure to make her want to move in with you even more badly. Seal the deal by crying over the phone to your best friend, who is also your ex, that you still have feelings for. It's for the best. Once you're ready to move in make sure you take with you as little as possible in case it doesn't work out. You don't have much anyway, so that's fine. If she hasn't already she'll probably start to talk about feelings, and issues, and probably love. I know it's not what you want to hear, men hate that shit, feelings are for pussies. Humour her by telling her that you love her too. That will definitely shut her up and get her to stop pestering you.

Things are probably progressing much faster than you would imagine by now and before you can shout 'fuck her in the pussy' you're celebrating with your mates in the pub over your new fatherhood role as she's in the delivery room giving birth to your new child. Make sure you get absolutely wasted because there's no way you want to be wakened by noisy women and babies in the middle of the night.

Side chick

By now you're probably getting a bit bored. Your Mrs is gaining weight, she's looking more like a 4 more than a 10 that she used to be so make it your priority to get a side chick that's above a 5 to make the numbers up. After all, your partner doesn't want to be pestered by you with all the feeding and nappy changing and the bullshit that comes along with having a child she has going on in her life. She wants YOU to have a life, though. Make sure you spend as much time with your side chick as possible.

Yawwwwn. NEXT!

You're probably getting reeeally bored by now. I think your partner understands that. Nothing will make her happier than dumping her by text and whisking in at the middle of the night to grab your stuff, after all, she doesn't want to be see you and start begging for you back. It's not good for baby. Also, don't worry about the kid, they'll never want to be involved in your life. Your kid will respect you for letting them go at it alone in life. Birds kick their offspring out of the nests to make them fly, you are essentially doing the same. You da man.

***

I hope you thought that was funny. Be prepared for tomorrow night’s one. It's about 'how to snag that all important guy'

Thanks for reading!