A Fartological Discussion: A Hysterical Farticle...

It can feel like a horror movie when a fart is coming at the wrong time…

Oh, the horror of untimely farts! But holding onto one creates such pressure, agony, and torturous pain! The dormant volcano has risen out of slumber, and you can’t just say, “Go back to sleep!”… This can happen to anyone, anywhere. These farts don’t wait for your personal convenience, which can sometimes turn the horror of the coming one into something more comical…

And I designed this picture in Power Point…
With clip art….

But if a fart does come, inescapably, at the wrong time, there is no fart evacuation protocol to avoid the fart-barrassment that comes afterwards (either when someone hears it, or heaven forbid, smells it!).

In this society, we have these cool little bug catchers. You can catch a bug and release it elsewhere in the wild! Isn’t that awesome?! It’s too bad we don’t have any fart-catchers to stop that dreaded aroma…. Or some kind of fart-stopping laboratory that works day and night to reduce pressure build-up…
(If there was ever such a place, just imagine what would go on there…)

So I was having a discussion with my husband about farting philosophies that we have, and he ended up encouraging me to write out my thoughts into this, well, farticle. The following sections will discuss the “Art of Fart”, an embarrassingly honest instance that went down in the Hall of Farts, a dog fart story that should go into infamy, Fart theory, and my thoughts on Fartology. Ready? Here we go!

First of all, it seems to me as if some people have the Art of Fart. What do I mean? It’s a working hypothesis that I began developing after my honeymoon. See, I started noticing that my Chinese husband rarely ever seems to fart. I, however, am another story. So why is this??? Is it his genetic disposition? Or is he some kind of fart ninja, like he claims to be? Hmm…
Now, I’m not made in China like he is. I’m New Jersey fresh- like the tomatoes. I’m American through and through. And I fart. Boy, do I fart… and either he will hear it (maybe 70% of the time), or he’ll smell it… because let’s face it: Not all silence is golden! Sometimes it’s more of a puke-green puff cloud that you don’t want anyone to know about! It’s a secret that tells on itself for you. That is what I call: “The Tattle tail Fart”.

The Art of Farting is to time your farts just right so no-one knows what just happened. This is something my husband is really good at. Unfortunately for me, I’m not. I’ll share a brutally embarrassing time that shows this case-in-point…

I was teaching in front of kids, when suddenly, I knew. I had to fart really bad. But as a teacher, I couldn’t just walk away from the kids to find a place to fart and return with relief. No. That never happens.
And the thing about farting in front of children is: they are not fully matured, at least, not enough to refrain from laughing out loud at a freaking loud one that the teacher rips out mid-lecture. (Yes, that’s exactly what happened.) And the laughter erupted immediately after it let loose. And it was a long one, and loud as hell. There was no hiding that fart in a silent class! It was unavoidable farthood. There was so much laughter… Now at the time, it felt extremely embarrassing. But now, it’s just another memory in the hall of farts…

Speaking of the Hall of Farts reminds me of my old dog. Her name was Sandy. She was a sweet, good-tempered dog. But sometimes when I was walking her outside, she’d try her darnest to sneak to eat the green scallions growing in the yard of my childhood home. She couldn’t resist them. All I had to do was turn my head for a second, and she would be chowing down on garlic-like scallions. Whenever she ate them, those darn scallions would make her gas levels rise up into the danger zone. Then she’d happily follow me back inside and sit at my feet… until it strikes… Her scallion farts… Oh my pretzels, it smelled so bad! Those scallion farts always sounded like a deflating tire, a low-hissing air-release noise. And every time the dog did that, she’d jump up and run out of the room! Wow, why didn’t I think of that?
Two seconds later, the worst smell imaginable would rise up like a rotting corpse. It was the strongest, foulest, most pungent stench I have ever smelled in my life. Bad scallions!

Who knew scallions could smell like that? It was the kind of fart that is so bad, you have no choice but to drop whatever you were doing, and freaking run away too, until you escape the cloud of doom! And they say rotten eggs smell bad. Eggs don’t have anything on Sandy’s scallion farts. Her farts were like a star that went super-nova because the hydrogen sulfide was in overdrive! (That’s the ingredient that makes them stinky.) If there had ever been a fart contest for the worst-smelling farts ever, she would have been a fart champion. Seriously!

Watch out for the scallions, man. It was not exactly music to my ears. It was more like an alarm buzzer to run for your life… Ah memories, that sure was a smell-venture!

That brings me to the next point: Fart Theory.

People say this a Lot. What do I have to say in reference to this? Well,I think it’s like a double-sided coin. Yes, I agree with it because the pressure of trying to not fart is terrible, and I read somewhere that doing so increases the level of nitrogen in farts. Where did I read that? Is that true? Well, anyway, It allows for pressure relief. But there is a downside to this theory, because the theory works best when you time your farts. It’s an art… It doesn't work so well when you can hear a pin drop among people who will laugh their heads off at you the second you let it go. There are places where people just dread farting: like in church (if you have to, try to time it with the beat of the music, when everyone is singing and the sound would be drowned out, okay? I speak from experience.)

But the very fact that we have socially-accepted fart theories that can be tested, leads me into Fartology. Fartology should be a Science. Fart science. Why? Well, let me present my case here:

1. A Science, by definition, is where you can make measurable, testable theories that can be studied universally… And since we’ve already established that such theories do already exist, that can be tested, it sure could be studied. There are case studies just waiting for this.

1. It can possibly tie into Genetic Studies to see if Genetics plays a role in the frequency and volume of farts. Or is it just mad skill? This one, I'm really curious about...
2. It can tie into Nutrition Science studies, since we know that certain foods help build a fartopia of gases. Like I say, watch out for those scallions.
3. We could study how to help fart emissions make less of a negative impact on the environment… Imagine the possibilities, the research, the things we could learn about ourselves. Imagine the new credentials people could add to their names... Lol. Who will step up to be a Fartologist?
4. Marketable products for fart control could create jobs. Someone already made something that makes farts smell minty. That thing is the result of some research and testing. What else can we do with fartology? Lol...

With all these reasons, imagine what the future of farts could look like?

In closing, I’d like to share some fart facts that I learned at a website called www.fartfacts.com …
Did you know that “herring use farts to communicate with each other”?
Did you know that maggot farts “have a similar effect to antibiotics” and that “Science is still working on it to make it a medicine”?
Hmm. Interesting.

*** All pictures in this fartological discussion were made in power point using power point clip art.

Thank you for reading! If you had a good laugh or two, please Upvote this farticle!