Friday Funnies!

A guy comes home early one day from work. And he hears weird sounds coming from his bedroom. When he gets to his room, he finds his wife naked on the bed sweating bullets.

''What the hell is going on?'' he says.

''I'm having a heart attack!!''

So he runs down stairs, and picks up the phone to dial 911. But as he is doing this, his four-year-old son, comes running up to him and says, ''Dad, Uncle Tommy is up stairs, hiding in your closet, and he's naked'' So he slams the phone down, and runs upstairs, to find his own brother, in the closet.

The man, then says. ''What the hell are you doin? My wife is having a heart attack, and your here running around naked, scaring the kids? You should be ashamed of yourself!"

JIM GAFFIGAN: ULTIMATE BRAGGING RIGHTS

I think it'd be great if you had a kid that ended up being pope. That would be the ultimate bragging rights. 'Oh, your son's a doctor? Yeah, ours is pope. Oh, they have a house? He has his own city.'

$1 MILLION IN HEAVEN

Joe asked God, "How much is a penny worth in heaven?"

God replied, "$1 million."

Joe asked, "How long is a minute in heaven?"

God said, "One million years."

Joe asked for a penny.

God said, "Sure, in a minute."

SIGNS YOU PICKED THE WRONG ISP

1. Their company logo: two tin cans and a length of string.
2. You check out their address, and it's a phone booth containing a Compaq portable and an acoustic coupler.
3. Their chief technical officer lives in a 10-foot-by-7-foot shack in the woods.
4. Their proud boast: "We've been on the Internet since it was CB radio."
5. Their promo materials use the words "information" and "superhighway" in the same sentence.
6. You order an SLIP/PPP connection, e-mail, and 2MB of server space for your personal Web site, and the voice on the other end of the phone asks, "Would you like fries with that?"
7. "As seen in Better Business Bureau special reports."
8. "Access speeds up to 9,600 bps in most areas."
9. They hawk both domain names and Rolexes on street corners.
10. They charge by the word.

CHECK YOUR TEXT

Don't come home horny, drunk, you want to text your girl a sexy message. Look what you're typing before you send it. I didn't look; I just sent it off. She called me right back, she's like, "Uh, what do you mean you want to 'kick my puppy?'"

That's it for this weeks Friday funnies! Come back next week for more jokes!