Forget KYC... Make sure you KYE (Know Your Exchange)... Big Brother is watching your Bitcoin

in #funny4 years ago (edited)

So I’m at work, minding my own business when I get an email from Bitstamp.


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It starts well enough.

We received your withdrawal request and instructed our payment department to process it. You should receive an additional e-mail notification once funds are sent to the specified bank account.

Great all those bitcoin’s I converted to fiat - in a blind panic at the prospect of China banning everything crypto - have made their way safely to the bosom of my bank account. Good job Bitstamp. Now scurry away, I'm busy.

Then the email took a turn for the worse…

As our compliance department requires some information about the nature of your relationship with our exchange, we kindly ask you to answer the following KYC (Know Your Customer) questionnaire to the best of your ability:

We’ll as it’s your own compliance department, you can do want any good company does when they get a request from compliance. Press delete. Why let red tape get in the way of a fruitful relationship? Afterall, did I not provide ID and proof of address? It’s not like I’m the most difficult person in the world to find. Why harass little o’ me with information requests?

Anyway I was expecting a question or two… Instead I get this full blown questionnaire. I have taken a first stab at some replies. Anyone got any better suggestions (as I'm struggling to take this shit seriously)?

1. What is your current occupation?

This relationship isn’t starting off on the right foot… aren’t you going to ask my name first? I see your game... you think I've come into a bit of coinage and you want to 'get to know me better.' Well this ain't 1985 and I ain't Zapp! You ain't getting no computer love from me!

2. What is the purpose of your Bitstamp account? Please describe in as much detail possible how you use your account.

Hmm… let me get this straight. You’re offering a service and you’re asking me the purpose of the service you’re offering? After using you for three years now, what do you think the purpose of my Bitstamp account is for?

3. Are you using your Bitstamp account in connection with any business/commercial or gambling related activities? If so, please describe how?

Alas my friend, life is one big gamble, don’t you think?

Anyway, doesn’t having a Bitstamp account count that I’m sending bitcoin to and exchanging for fiat count as a commercial activity?

4. Do you have an established relationship with any other bitcoin related services/exchanges? If so, which?


Keep-Your-Man-From-Cheating-Guy-And-Woman-Holding-Hands.jpg

Oh my, don't you sound like the jealous type! Well… I once had a fling with Mt Gox, made love to Mintpal and had a crush on Cryptsy. Are you implying that “we” have an established relationship? If so, you may want to reconsider… you can see how my relationships tend to end.

5. What is the origin of the BTC deposited to your Bitstamp account? Please provide supporting documentation that clarifies how BTC deposited to your Bitstamp account were/are being acquired.

Ahh, you’re making this too easy for me. My BTC originated from Satoshi Nakamoto. Please see link to his Whitepaper as supporting documentation.

6. Which bank account(s) do you intend to use for deposits/withdrawals to/from your Bitstamp account? Provide complete account number, owner information, bank address and SWIFT/BIC code.

Hmm… let me see. I’ve already deposited and withdrawn money to the same bank account… I wonder where I intend to send my next payment? Got it. Make it out to;

Account owner: Father Christmas
Address: Santas Grotto Bank, Lapland
SWIFT/ BIC code: 25-12-0000-RUDOLF


santa-reindeer-614524.jpg

7. What is the estimated amount you intend to deposit/withdraw to/from your Bitstamp account per month?

Who-the-fuck knows… this is Cryptocurrency? In a few months it may go to pennies and I could barely withdraw enough to afford a pizza!

In all seriousness – I get where they’re coming from. If I’m going to withdraw using legacy gateways, I’m going to have to deal with bureaucracy. However freedom of finance is coming whether banks or governments like it or not. I know, I know KYC and anti-money laundering jazz. I mean it's not like Gangster, Terrorists and Fraudsters haven't been washing money for decades? I mean using Bitstamp (having provided their personal details) seems the perfect way to move illicit funds!

Just be mindful. If you're thinking of withdrawing to fiat choose your gateway wisely. Big brother may not be watching but his minions are certainly gathering data in case he comes a calling!


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Just... Bitshares DEX.

Indeed.

Buy some bitUSD/CNY, wait the panic out.

No need to go back and forth between the legacy system and crypto.

@nanzo-scoop, something to consider for next time :)

Fiat is a necessary evil sometimes. I don't like to be over invested in one asset class. Some things, e.g. property can only be purchased with fiat currently.

We’ll as it’s your own compliance department, you can do want any good company does when they get a request from compliance. Press delete.

Not if you work in financial services, where the compliance department is keeping your board of directors out of jail ;)

Yep.. I should have really added my 'not financial advice' disclaimer! ;)

All these exchanges have gone crazy. Itbit and Coinbase as well. They want to make sure you are using the platform to trade and not simply use to cash out coins or something else: in other words, they want to make money for any trades you do. If you answer the wrong thing they will kick your account off their platform. Again, they've gone postal.

This is certainly what I'm thinking... they want to get their pound of flesh, in terms of trading fees. Someone using their exchange to simply exchange crypto to fiat and vice versa is probably seen as more of an inconvenience than a customer.

Definitely seems that the world of cryptocurrency and all it's annomytity is going to go out the window. Every governing body across the world wants their cut and wants to know what their country's people are doing. I wonder if we can ask them what they are doing with their money? Can we as the people of the said countries be able to inquire how they spend not only tax dollars or contribution but even go as far as asking to see their personal checkbook or retirement plan? I along with everyone else is pretty sure how well that would go

LOL some of those questions are ridiculous.Some of the cryptos that offer debit cards are starting to look better and better the more stuff like this goes on.

and @neoholder - ooh thanks, I'm a newbie to crypto, I'll check out TenX

The demand is very hight for TenX Debit Cards , they have a long waitlist :) Maybe you will get your card for christmas :D

What about Monaco cards (mona.co)?

I'll certainly be taking a closer look at crypto debit/ credit cards!

Seems like a lot of questions just to get some fried chicken... I'll take 2 biscuits with my order Big Brother. If you aren't outraged then you aren't paying attention. Comedy helps to cope. Thanks for sharing.

Jesus we need decentralisation now! Also I bet you're British from the way this article is written- "Good job Bitstamp. Now scurry away, I'm busy." Brilliant :D

Yep... there are some traits that you only pick up in the UK!

Regulation and compliance are facts of life for exchanges or any other businesses operating at the fiat/crypto interface.
However, what you have described does seem very intrusive and beyond what is necessary.
Hopefully, the day will come when using crypto for everyday purchases will become the norm and exchanging in and out of fiat currency will be a thing of the past.

Thats the information a government like USA makes exchanges ask for, or will lock them in a cage, unfortunately. There is not much an exchange can do about it or they would have to close their business.

Yep, you're right... I guess I shouldn't shoot the messenger.

"I once had a fling with Mt Gox, made love to Mintpal and had a crush on Cryptsy."

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How cute to hear that lolz:)

Love the satire, but you covered some great points. For me crypto is about freedom and being away from centralized systems, yet all these exchanges want to know what your favorite toilet paper brand is to continue trading. I understand a small fraction of people are laundering money or doing other malicious things, but the majority of us are just trying to live our lives and use crypto as much as possible. Ease of use is probably the biggest hurdle for crytpo right now, and this doesn't help.

Money laundering is real, and Crypto makes it borderless, but you already know. Still feels intrusive af even if we have nothing to hide.

Only big banks are allowed to launder money and get away with it.
https://www.theguardian.com/business/2016/jul/11/hsbc-us-money-laundering-george-osborne-report

Money laundering is made up to restrict freedoms. the drug cartels and terrorists work for the government

It will be nice when everything is decentralized! We should be able to move our money whenever we want without sharing every detail.

well its really irritating. when you area sking for your own money like a begger

Wow that is crazy. The relationship one and the one asking for info. That is nuts.
By the way I gave you a shoutout in one of my posts. https://steemit.com/steemit/@walkingkeys/day-4-how-to-make-sbd-when-starting-out-30-days-of-steemit-success

You know how to talk fun about serious things, friend @nanzo-scoop! I enjoyed reading.

Oh my stomach hurts from laughing.....your answers were too funny....I really do hope you filled out the questionnaire and those those are what you sent.....rollin on the floor over here!!!!

What a lovely post. Made me laugh and cry at the same time.
Reminded me of the screening when flying into the US (from Europe).
Resteemed.

On a nother note, I really wonder what happens when you actually answer the way you did here. Does it have legal implications? Would love if people would just stick-it to them.

I can't wait for decentralized exchanges but they will probably outlaw those for not adhering to KYC standards.

How about shapeshift? Isn't that more of what we want? I haven't used it yet,but from what I understand, it converts things in a very short time and sends you the coins you converted to.

Seems like thats all we would ever really need.

No, no, shapeshift is very centralized. I believe it is simple one 'person' with multiple wallets that hold a great deal of cryptocurrency. When you deposit your crypto, shapeshift sends you the crypto of choice from their own wallet. In essence all the crypto is stored on shapeshift and is thereby very centralized.

That being said though, it's a great service.

I think the issues come when trying to withdraw fiat to your bank, rather than crypto to crypto transactions... for now anyway.

bisq.io works great. I've used it a time or two to try it out. It's the only decentralized exchange I'm aware of besides bitshares, but bisq(formerly bitsquare) has many coins and many ways to receive payment.

just tell me finally u got the money in bank or still waiting?

They processed my transaction and it went through fine... I'll got more on there that I have to think about what I'll do with.

I'd be suspicious of this type of email as many scammers are sending follow-up emails under the guise of your exchange. Don't get scammed!

In this instance, it was a legit email.

@nanzo-scoop wow!!! After 3 years they asked you these questions? That is not funny at all!! I am really curious if and how you have answered those questions. Please let us know if your withdrawal has gone through or not.

Withdrawal went through. I haven't responded yet. I've been withdrawing more than usual over the last few months so I probably triggered some compliance requirements.

Seems like you could possibly ignore their request. What obligates you to answer? Probably nothing

hahahahaha Loved your answers!

Government and exchanges are cracking down on cryptos more and more.
Unfortunate to see as it is cryptos that were so revolutionary because of lack or regulation, tracking, tracing, investigating etc. Gotta be a super techie now days to have any kind of privacy even with cryptos.

Sounds exactly like the questions Coinbase asks you. Must be some international standard at work here. I can't wait until distributed autonomous exchanges are ubiquitous and we can dispense with all this. Yes they could still get you if you cash out to fiat but who is going to do that with BTC headed for $1M in the next ten years

I always like to hedge a little no matter how bullish I feel about crypto. And holding too much fiat on an exchange feels too risky. I may just to stick to hedging in SBD in the future. Although at the moment, I have more confidence in the Euro than USD when it come to fiat.

Even DEX want some KYC. I guess the Govt (Big Brother) want some cut from the pie. All cryptos are worth more than $100 billion. They now see the light at the end of the tunnel.

KYE +1


Regulation will be forced into place sooner then later. It's to bad there is no freedom with to have something that isn't run by the government. Where is the freedom in this?


http://www.FlippyCoin.com is the #1 Cryptocurrency Exchange!

Thanks for the warning, choosing our gateway well is actually a smart step for everyone. Be careful, be very careful....

ooft, thats a little scary of a questionaire!

Thank you for bringing awareness to this topic :)

Noted

hilarious :DDDD you just made my day sir :P

Slowly moving my crypto out of bittrex to more free exchanges for this reason.. they limited unverified withdrawls, and I know that zero withdrawls are on the way. byebye.

some country are not allowed crypto money. so even if you have a prepaid bank card with crypto working, they will lock the card now soon in the countries with are not supporting crypto . Upvoted

I think it's only a matter of time before countries accept that cryptos are here to stay and part of a new paradigm... however some will lag behind longer than others.

Ah man why bitstamp to...I guess these big business's are trying to comply with the government. Good write up.

Crazy. Thanks for the heads up!

It must a USA thing, since I have had no such email when withdrawing in the EU. I've heard about this KYC thing in America.

I'm in the UK... hopefully this isn't a sign of things to come (post brexit)!

what about bitcoin atm

Good one! I am having trouble in setting myself up with Bittrex, so withdrawal is a far cry😉

We've all been there.. trying to get started. However once you get over the initial hurdles you're golden... until you start withdrawing too much back into fiat!

Hopefully I will get there someday!

Once in BTC ...stays in BTC ;)

Good read, thanks!

awesome

hahaha
funny picture

Nice post.Thank you bro.

Hmm thanks dude for guiding us in questions and answers :)

Yeah, quite deep questions. Strange that they asked about the list of your purchases. What kind of meat you buy - chicken or beef? Or what color underwear you are going to purchase?

Someone's always watching

I think that is the way of the future, for all exchanges. I buy using an Australian bank account, so I've already been subjected to this sort of stuff. The exchanges are protecting themselves. Look at BTC-e. If the government wants to shut down your exchange because someone used a crypto to buy the makings of the next 9/11, they can - and they will. By protecting themselves, they are protecting YOU !

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Wow! What up with BitStamp???

That's all anonymity and decentralization!:))))

Just keep ALL coin away from exchanges unless you are trading. I personally use Ledger Nano S. Anything you trade regularly, make sure you have your own wallets for each currency and move your funds in and out - it's worth the inconvenience for your peace of mind. I think it's only a matter of time before one of the big exchanges get hacked again. If you use MEW, do so locally, or again, ideally with a physical wallet.

"The main thing to survive this moment"))))) lol))) I smiled read your post)))) You made my day today)))) Thank you very much))

It is the time for decentralized exchanges

The NWO bankers who implemented the entire crypto industry which was not their idea to begin with has decided to centralize the entire industry immediately. The only way to circumvent this is to see what they are doing and decentralize the exchange. However they will see you coming. Burst seems to be more decentralized but notice that it was recently attacked. Who would have attacked them? Same people.

Such conspiracy.

Nice post !
Really funny !
Thanks for sharing !!

Good post!
Thanks for sharing useful information.
Worth following & upvotes for sure!
Please follow me if you can ;)

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