Greetings loyal followers.

My executive assistant Vera, who makes your Venus de Milo look like a sack of garbage, informed me that the Empire has intercepted yet another embarrassing transmission from your system. The transmission sent by @inertia concerns this delightful architectural feature of the Washington National Cathedral.

Do you know what this would scare away? EVERYTHING with eyes!

I was impressed by your inhabitants' apparent advancement in both architectural prowess and their attempts to properly worship me. Because your planet has built a reputation of being inhabited by backward, foolish, simpletons, I felt it would be wise to gather more intelligence on this Cathedral. At first, things appeared to confirm that you were indeed showing improvement.

That skull looks pretty hard core. Not as awesome and menacing as me... but fairly close.

But then my spies panned their optical scanners a little to the left.

Are you freaking kidding me? On what planet is putting the Dark Lord of the Sith next to a cuddly little garbage panda a good idea? The answer is NONE! Except for Earth apparently. Your collective wealth of ignorance astounds me!

I am the fiercest being in the universe and you pair me with an adorable little creature who looks like he needs a hug and then for someone to rub its belly to help it take a dainty little crap.

You morons could screw up a one ship parade.

Since my spies had already infiltrated your planet and you idiots had absolutely no chance of discovering them, I decided to have them search for more evidence of your pathetic attempts to use architecture and sculpture to try and convince me to spare your primitive planet.

I must admit, there were a few fairly impressive attempts. These were no doubt overseen by some of your planet's most competent inhabitants like, @thecryptofiend, @papa-pepper, @dwinblood, @vcelier, or @barrydutton.

If one would like to impress people, one can always construct a giant floating head to follow them everywhere. But, if someone really wants to make an unforgettable impression, then that floating head can only be of one being... Me!

This woman in green will NEVER be turned away from any establishment, receive less than an A+ on any test, or get turned down for a job or a date. What fool would ever say "no" to someone who is constantly followed by my giant floating head?

Sometimes it needs to wait for her outside when she enters a building. But they all still know I'm there... and I'm awesome!

Peekaboo! I see you. Do everything I tell you to... OR ELSE!

Not to be outdone, this grown man wearing knickers like a small child, constructed a full figured giant floating likeness of me. Well done!

Wait. "Full figured" means something else on your planet? Dennis! Get in here!

Like the woman in green, this half man half child needs to leave his intimidator outside when he enters buildings.

Hey idiot! You forgot the most important thing. Drop that weird looking, squirmy, smelly, and noisy suitcase and go back and get your amazing protector!

This is one of your most impressive attempts to woo me.

"Oh those stairs lead to the DMV? Who cares! We are going in just so we can use those awesome stairs!" said EVERYONE ever who has seen them.

This one is odd but acceptable.

I'm cherry. I'm strawberry. I'm lemon. I'm grape...

Luckily for these guffawing buffoons I happen to like the candy they are pretending to be.

The last semi-acceptable attempt is this mosaic.

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Perhaps that gesture means something different on your planet. But on mine, extending one's middle digit in the direction of another is seen as a rather large insult.

After those however, your attempts merely demonstrate either your idiocy, lunacy, or primitive nature.

First we have these gems...

Although it is true that these are all impressive examples of your inhabitants' artistic ability... they are also evidence of your absolute idiocy!

Hypothetically, let's just say one of these geniuses want to impress me with their work. They call me up. Vera schedules an appointment for me to view their work. I get out of my bacta tank and get dressed (that takes like 4 hours). I call an Uber. I wait forever for the dimwit to find my location (which happens to be the only GIANT STAR DESTROYER parked anywhere on the planet!). Finally I arrive to view the "art". But oh no. It's gone. How could that happen?

How could that happen?!

Gee I don't know perhaps...

Wind!

or

Rain!

It's mother loving sand you freaking idiots! You know what sand is? Well if your answer is "permanent" you are bigger morons than I could ever have imagined. I lived on a planet made entirely of sand. Do you know what we did with it?

Nothing!

We did nothing with it because it is The Maker damned sand!

To make matters worse, one of you dolts made this...

The only way that disgusting little frog would be on my lap is if my hand was impaled through the back of its freakish skull so I could make it my little ventriloquist dummy.

I have to admit, the following example was so impressive that I actually showed up to see it for myself.

Good thing they invited me at night because the creator of this forgot two very important details: 1. Snow melts and 2. Your freaking planet has a sun!!!!

I lost all hope when I saw this...

This is made of butter. I have nothing else to say to you people.

Coolest gargoyle ever
Second coolest gargoyle ever
Worst gargoyle ever
Awesome floating head
Always watching
Full figured
You forgot something
Try not to stair
Candy!
Pez!
Middle digit
Stupid
Stupid!
Stupid!!
Puppet
Snow melts dummy
Seriously? Butter?