Ignore the Propaganda Being Spread Across Your System

Greetings loyal followers.

I am not sure if you are aware but there is a horrible piece of pro-rebel scum propaganda circulating throughout your system. It depicts these rebel dirtbags as being heroes instead of the cowardly vermin that they truly are. The benevolent Empire merely wants to provide order throughout the universe. These fanatics will do anything they can in order to disturb this order. The Empire invested a tremendous amount of credits in order to build a peace keeping device whose power is only overshadowed by the Force itself. These weaklings should be saying "Thanks Empire! You're the best! Thank you so much for ensuring there will be no need for any more wars. Everyone will simply listen to you out of respect for your awesome Force and technological powers. Furthermore, Darth Vader is the greatest! He's so cool."

Man I love that Steem!

But are those moronic extremists saying any of that? Noooooooo! Instead of thanking the Empire and congratulating it on their new invention, they are trying to blow it up! What ungrateful little swine! We offer them everlasting peace and order under the plasti-steel boot of the Empire... and they spit in our face. (By "our" I mean the Emperor's face. No one is dumb enough to attempt to spit on me. Besides I have a helmet. He just has layers and layers of disgusting wrinkled old skin.)

I have seen this fantasy story first hand and I can tell you that not only is it simply ludicrous, it is also incredibly offensive. I understand that by definition, propaganda is a lie... but come on. Do the creators of this garbage actually think any of it is plausible? They make it seem like a small group of traitors can actually make a difference through their determination, abilities and sacrifice. That's insane. Everyone knows things can only be accomplished by large groups marching lock step with one another under the orders of a brilliant tactical leader. Either that or by me personally, by myself, just the Force and my lightsaber, with no doofus boss to get in the way. But enough of that. Those rebellious lunatics don't have anyone who can match me so that point is moot.

Who would dare to stand up to this? The correct answer is "no one".

Back to this piece of garbage masquerading as entertainment. Clearly the whole idea of this story is as flimsy as the reason I murdered a room full of younglings. None of it could happen. But I would like to point out a few of the most offensive details. First, whoever made this rubbish clearly has no understanding of technology at all. We just built a freaking Death Star. I think that kind of establishes the Empires credibility when it comes to technology. Yet these morons want you to believe that we don't have wireless capabilities? They seriously think we need to have a hard line in order to make high data uploads. Duh. That stupid looking android on Bespin with that weird head piece can do that. Do they really think we don't have one of those. Well we don't. We have like a million things that are a million times better than "Lobot". The Empire is not reliant on "hard lines" IDIOTS!

Oh thank the Maker that this com link has a cord. I don't know what I would do without cords. Usually we tie strings to cans to communicate... MORONS!

Unfortunately that is not the only infuriating and demeaning depiction of the Empire's technology. These "geniuses" thought it would make sense to have all of our important records stored in a place that requires someone to manually operate a claw in order to retrieve them. this is the Empire... not freaking Chuck E Cheese. Why would we need someone to play the "claw game" in order to retrieve data. We have droids for everything. I even have droids to while my butt... yet these propaganda wizards came up with a manual claw? I believe you have a phrase for this... "face palm".

Yeah this is how the Empire retrieves its most valuable data... IDIOTS!

So this nonsense not only makes fun of the Empire's technology, it attempts to spoof our tactical planning as well. Let me get this straight. The "writers" of this poppycock know we have built a friggin Death Star. They realize it is second only to the Force. Do they think this might be a little important to us? Just a tiny bit? Maybe important enough to keep the plans for it someplace special? Not just thrown in the local library? Do they think we might have some special troops guarding such important data? Apparently not. It seems in their minds, everyone in the Empire is a complete clown. If we had information so important, I would just keep it in my boot... because who the heck is going to get something out of my boot. No one! That's who!

Maybe we should let these guys guard our top secret plans.

I will be the first to admit that my dimwit Stormtroopers are the worst shots in the galaxy. I get it, they are bad at it. But are they worse than a blind guy? Come on! What do these spin doctors take the audience for... babbling ignoramuses? It may be hard to see in a Stormtrooper helmet... but even they are better than a blind guy! Sheesh.

At first I was flattered that they included me in their little propaganda film. At first. Then they made the very foolish decision to directly target me in this preposterous tale. They made it seem like I would make a bad pun. Really? I'm the most powerful force in the Universe and they think I would stoop to using a pun... let alone a bad one. Everyone knows that a pun i the lowest form of humor... unless I personally thought of it first. Then it is brilliant. But this one wasn't. Everyone knows I am the best at everything. This includes humor.

See what I did there? Comedy gold.

When I find the imbeciles responsible for this crapola they titled Rogue One: A Star Wars Story they are going to be sorry... then they are going to be dead.

These are the true heroes of this movie.

Perhaps I am over reacting.

I'm sure no one will bother seeing it anyway...

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