I am Lord Vader, Ask me Anything: Episode III

in funny •  9 months ago

Greetings loyal followers.

My executive assistant Vera, who consistently has the highest score in outstanding achievement in the field of excellence, has informed me that I have gained a tremendous amount of followers over the course of the last seven months of your calendar. In fact, it has been reported that I am now the most popular figure on the steemit platform. Far more popular than anyone who has come before me. When the history of the platform is written, I will assuredly be the most popular ever.



I'm kind of a big deal.

I realize that news outlets are reporting that I only have 2639 followers and that losers like @thecryptofiend have far more, but my numbers are clearly being artificially deflated in an attempt by my enemies in the news reporting agencies to discredit my awesomeness. Of course that is fool's errand.

Wait. Vera has just informed me that @thecryptofiend is one of my most loyal followers and that I should not have called him a loser. Luckily I did not or would not ever call him a loser. Anyone who said I called him one is clearly a liar. (Except for Vera. If she said that, then it is because some liar lied to her and told her I said that even though I clearly didn't. Luckily she never said that either.)

Anyway back to the point. Since my last direct communication with my loyal followers, their numbers have multiplied over 1,138,000 times. Oh I see the problem now. Dennis (the Empire's IT guy) just informed me of a phenomenon on your planet called "flipping the game". Apparently that is what occurs when a number reaches its maximum point and then needs to reset to zero and start over. Clearly that is what has happened to my number of followers. It seems that counter "flips" at just over 7 billion.



I also flipped over all of the furniture the one time the game cheated and made me lose.

Vera, who you should thank every second of your miserable lives, suggested that since I have gained so many new followers, I should open up the lines of communication with your system once more.



I am Lord vader, using the comment section below, you may now Ask Me Anything. I will answer those queries that I deem worthy of my attention.



I'm kind of a dig deal
Flipping the game
You better make it good

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Lord Vader, what a coincidence!
Every day in January you will find me blogging about quality men's shoes.
Today's pair, posted 10 hours ago, looks like they would be PERFECT for you.
Please, tell all 14 brazilian (that's a lot, right?) of your followers, if these are the sort of shoes you would wear to stomp on the throats of rebel scum when you get bored of force-choking them...
C7005688-_FC11-4881-_A40_B-_AA245_BA19_F6_B.jpg

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Are those snake skin? Alligator? Either way, those are too stylish to ever let them touch a rebel scum.

I would wear them for....









Dancing!



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Powerful Vader!

Would you rather fight one horse-sized duck or 100 duck-sized horses?

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Why choose? I have a lightsaber... and the freaking Force.

But if I had to, I'd go by taste. I think the duck would be more delicious after I finished it off.

If every 2 minutes you are attacked by five second graders; and every ten minutes (5 waves) there is also a fifth grader to help them, and they are all trying to kill you. There are no weapons and are in a flat open area.

How long before you succumb to them?

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Never.

I am lordvader!

I have some experience fighting younglings.

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Not the younglings...

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Oh Lord, can you tell us more about your relationship with Janis Joplin?
She even made a song where she mention you a lot.

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Ah one of the benefits of a non-linear timeline. I remember her like it were yesterday. She and Vera are perhaps my two favorite beings of all time (not counting myself).

I met her at your Monterey Pop Festival when she was the lead singer of Big Brother and the Holding Company.

I found her work in the Kozmic Blues Band to really speak to me. As you know I am featured in a documentary that is quite cosmic.

She also seemed to be speaking directly to me when she sung about a "Piece of her heart". I felt she was referencing the fact that I have lost many body parts and am more machine than man now.

I am not sure if you are aware, but I am quite a musician. https://steemit.com/funny/@lordvader/how-the-light-side-vs-dark-side-beef-really-started

Anyway, she kept asking me for a "Mercedes Benz" (whatever that is). I got her a Porsche instead.

Oh and a space station the size of a small moon.

Haven't seen her in a while. I miss her.

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She's still great and one with The Force!

Why didn't you come to my birthday party?

superb dude really enjoyed

Tell me O Vader, tell me the secrets of the universe, the meaning of life and existence! Answer me for I seek knowledge.

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42

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Didn't see that coming xD

what really happened on Tatooine?

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I killed a bunch of dirty sand people.

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foolish as always ani.
next time maybe you can consider bathing them, in soap that you sell them from factories you hire them at, paid for by the taxes you collect from them.

Funny post. My question is what is your prediction for STEEM price at the end of the year.

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The steem price will rise in direct relation to my number of followers.

tell my why people react to my post with positive comments without upvote? :D

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Some beings are selfish. Not me of course. I am always looking out for other beings. I never do anything that would only benefit myself and a few of my closest allies.

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Upvote has been earned for kindness and loveliness :)

Have you tasted porg? I've heard from a hairy chap that they roast nicely over an open fire.

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You mean this jerk?





And people say I'm "evil". That smelly walking carpet is literally leading porgs to a slaughter.

And yes. I got this recipe off of @gringalicious 's blog.



It's to die for!

I like your post, give me a lot of motivation, do not forget my vote

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okay have a great day

Help me, Lord Vader!
What color of Lamborghini is the best, and why?

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Me color.

Because its me.

I see the effect is similar to when you put your cars mile counter back to 0 because you achieved 1,000,000 miles, is it?

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Very similar except I surpassed 1 million followers many moons ago.

Lord Vader,

Can you please end the flag wars? This realms needs an emperor.

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I do not have time. I am in the midst of attempting to instigate a war with this tiny little proton torpedo man from the outer rim.

Oh great @lordvader , how can your loyal followers ensure you are not being cheated on your amount of followers? Clearly you are the best on Steemit, and it is not fair that your followers get flip counted. We are at your service, our liege. Let us know what we can do!

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Worship me.

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How does the dark lord wish to be worshipped? Will weekly sacrifices do, or must us peons increase the frequency (or even start sacrificing each other)? We are not worthy, oh dark lord, please show us the light (dark?). I am beyond excited you have responded to me! You have already made my 2018.

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Although entertaining, sacrifices are not required. I need loyal followers for when I arrive to take ownership of your primitive planet.

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Understood! I await anxiously for your arrival.

Lord Vader,
How do you feel about the new Star Wars movie? Were you sad when your son Luke died at the end?

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Bwaaaaa haaaaaa haaaaa haaaaa haaaa haaaaa!

Sad?

You're funny.

That whiney farmboy was the most annoying being in the history of the galaxy. He was also incredibly cruel to animals.

Now he did have a chance to redeem himself by murdering his nephew in cold blood... but he failed. As always.

How can I attain your level of supernatural awesomeness? I got 69 followers, how can I turn it into the round figure of 10 million?
How do I get my sIx day old kick ass post read?

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Step one: Be me
Step two: See step one



Step three: Go check your post

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I checked my post and now I can't stop checking it. What have you done to me Vader? You waved that thing of yours didn't you? Now I'd have to live with you forever in your universe. 😁

How do I become you, Lord Vader? I drank a potion I bought from Starbucks but it tastes just like coffee. I am waiting to see what happens next.
Will it make me become you?

Lol, what is your favorite soup?

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Ewok and ramen.

No questions here, just thanks for being different.

Do you honestly want me to believe that the death star was not an inside job? "Thermal exhaust port", come on, isn't that just convenient!! I know it was a false flag operation, meant as an excuse to wage war on the galaxy! People lost their lives on that death star, and where were you? Ohhh you were in your Tie Fighter, well how convenient!!! (Throws shoe)

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Be careful, I can throw things too.

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All hail @lordvader. What do you call a fight between film actors?

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Ahhhh. I see what you did there. Very clever.

You'd call it Star Wars.

I'd call it pathetic because neither could use the Force.

What's your Trump prediction for 2018? =)

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What's a Trump? Some kind of semi-sentient creature on your planet?

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I don't know, hence I'm asking you lord vader. Please protect us better than you did the Death Star :/

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Heck I wanted to know whether maybe he and Trump are distant cousins or something, that intro paragraph could have come straight out of a trump speech on any topic. But now I think Trump is just emulating our Lord Vader.

Lord Vader, what is your favorite movie of all time.

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Whatever documentary this is included in.

Who would win a death match, you or time?

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Let's make this very simple. Anything that begins with "who would win" always ends with "me".

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and who would win a death match, you or "me" ?

Do you have only one suit? If so how often do you have it cleaned?

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I do only have one set of armor. I have droids that clean it for me. I sometimes make an awful mess in there.

Did Padme handle the power of the force well?

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Oh she could handle quite a bit. A lot actually. A huge amount. I mean YUGE!

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Superman vs. you in a fight.... Who wins?

Vader - all is forgiven. Even all that dark side malarki. If you would only come back and destroy those new episodes pretending to be star wars. If you can perhaps rebuild the death star and aim it at the Disney star wars studios we might start afresh with you back at the forefront of the evil empire, which never really went away.

@lordvader why most the growth of minnow depend on a upvote of a whale

Haha! Very nice adding star wars in your post I'm a fan :)

Is lord vader also James Earl Jones?

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That's dumb. James Earl Jones is Mufasa. Everyone knows that.

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Yea, but Dark Vader is much more Darther

I love it, keep it up. Since I was little I've seen star wars and this post made me the day!!! 🙆

Lordvader cada día superando más tus propios éxitos que bien muchas personas te apoyan.

Niceeeee Lord Vader! ❤️

Hello, i m new here plz encourage me :D

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[encouragement pending]

Did this really happen?

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Is he dead?

Then it didn't happen.

I would have thrown him off.

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I'm proud of you Lord Vader, for the Empire! ✊

Awesome your post and personally i like it. next you give me inspire ......... thanks a lot

Entertaining. Thanks!

The force is strong in you!

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strOOOOOOOOng! not strong

Dear @lordvader, what was your plan with Starkiller and why did you end up betraying him instead of overthrowing Palpy right then? And did any of those later Starkiller clones ever manage to not go insane?

Hmm ur smart , I like ur kind of person.am new here and this is my first comment in steemit.am still learning and need u all to support me let's steemit hot together ,thanks

posts that can be very outdoors, teach us that we can post the right, greeting steemit

vera es una pillina jajajajaja

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We all miss luck. you must have luck to be able to use the force.

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No I think @lordvader creates luck, and good luck at that, whenever it pleases him.

salam kenal master, posting a very extraordinary, very interesting deserve extraordinary appreciation, best regards friendship from me user aceh steem Indonesia, please give directions for us in order to manage steemit well and true
THANK YOU

Goood, Yesss, Gooooood.

@lordvader how to be you? Please give some tips.

lordvader!! Thank you, your Post.

Can Bitcoin be used to monetize Death Stars? Every time a planet is destroyed, The Sith can earn in crypto. Even the Jedi can't dispute the transactions because its stored on the blockchain.

Vader - What are your thoughts on this?

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Bitcoin? That is slow and stupid. It is so primitive like so much of your planet. The Empire is going to start using steem. It's better in every way.

Will you be releasing your own cryptocurrency anytime soon? The Forcecoin, perhaps?

How do you feel about sand? Btw have you read any of the new Darth Vader comics they're sooo good

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I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere.

Oh great lord vader… do you have asthma? Because I do, and that heavy breathing has me worrying about you, bro.

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No. I just had my lungs burned when my former teacher/best friend left me in lava to die. And I'm the bad guy?

Lord Vader,
Did you invest in any cryptos, can you please tell me which altcoin to buy for now & HODL.

Lord Vader, what are your thoughts on the "Mary Poppins" scene that your daughter did from The Last Jedi?

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I thought it was Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

That means dumb and weird I believe.

If you had to fight chuck norris or fight mcgregor and mayweather together ?

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Why choose?

Hey Darth, I have a question! Are you proud of your grandson and successor? You know...I am talking about Kylo. I ask because he has lost to a girl like twice he he

Seconds ago I've just asked myself "Came back and I haven't seen lord Vader in my feed, so what is he up to?" Well, now I know. He's still trying to conquer the world. :D

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I'm there. I'm always there. If that little green toad can make an appearance then mine will be epic!

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woww haha nice post

Oh Lord, can you tell us more about your relationship.There are no weapons and are in a flat open area. @lordvader

How much do you have to invest to actually make some noise on Steemit? Love this post, keep it up! @muscleroast.com

We want to see a picture of Vera. See the latest clothing style from your area!

Nice post! hey guys, if you like some daily fun related to crypto or just stupid fails you should follow my new page! promise to follow you right back!

Yes but.... will it blend ?

Hahahhaahahha....

Upvote & resteem buddy.

Congrats on yet another milestone with the followers! I hope I can make it there one day!

How much is the fish?

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You should ask this being.

Why is the last jedi still in the canon?


How true is this Lord Vader? I've always wondered.

Absolutely fab post , I am a starwars costumer for the rebel legion and uk garrison (true story ) im a jawa , endor rebel trooper and currently attemtping to build my generic zabrak . Followed and Upvoted feel free to pop on by to my page have a read of the posts .look forward to seeing more from you stay in touch dee x ,

Hilarious! Thank you oh great @lordvader for an amazing reading experience!

Lord Vader, do you still reckon the force here?

What @lordvader is a friend's (not yours of course) the most embarrassing story involving the use of the force?

Screenshot 2018-01-11 at 11.47.58 AM.png

@lordvader! I know I'll never become as great of a sith as you, but I can't help but to try! My blog banner even has you on it! I'm not sure if you can see it well but I made a tribute to you. It's a cup with you on it!

Here's my question for you- I am going to do a Star-wars versus post with you in it but I need you to tell me who to put you up against!

Thanks Darth!